At some point or another, each and every single one of us is going to have to put our trust in another person's hands. Sometimes we let go of this trust easily, other times it's hard to loosen our grip. No matter how easily (or not so easily) you put your trust in another person, it's a big step. I, for one, have never been a very trusting person. Maybe it's the result of years of "stranger danger" being drilled in my head by my mother. I dont know, I've just never found it easy to fully give someone my trust.
I'm a pretty guarded person, which is one of the reasons I write. I feel kind of anonymous behind a pen or keyboard, which makes it easier for me to express myself. People have always baffled me. Which is a big reason for my mistrust. I truely want to believe that mankind is inherently good, but this gets difficult each time I'm hurt by someone.
I've lost so many friends because they betrayed me after I gave them my trust. Losing a friend can be devastating. Being betrayed by someone you're in a relationship with hurts on a different level though. When you open yourself up to someone, and give them your trust as well as your heart, you expect them to do the same. I was completely betrayed by someone that I trusted with my whole heart.
One of my very first relationships was plagued with lies, deceit, secrets, and another girl. While this boyfriend was cheating on me, my "love" for him made me blind and stupid. I tried to rationalize the stories he told me, and I made excuses for his strange behavior. It was completely unhealthy. Eventually I had to stop lying to myself, and accept the fact that someone, once again, took advantage of my trust.
After this, I drew a line. I would never let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. I put up a wall. I refused to give another person my trust. Yet, here I sit, in a relationship with someone that I want to give all of my trust to. It's honestly one of the hardest things for me to do though. I want to, I really do. It's just, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking about all of the people that have hurt me in the past. No one wants to get hurt again. As much as I care about this person, if they ever truely hurt me, I would be completely devastated. I'm not saying that I believe they will hurt me, I honestly don't think that'll happen. I'm just fighting myself, and my own deeply routed fears and insecurities.
Being cheated on, and/or lied to really makes a person's confidence weak. At least, that's what happened to me. When I was dealing with the lies and betrayal, I started to question my self worth. I would think things like Maybe i'm not pretty enough. Maybe this other girl is skinnier. I must complain too much. Maybe he thinks I'm controlling. I'm not tall enough. I have a weird laugh. I'm too needy. You name it, I thought it. I completely picked myself apart. So not only was I dealing with these feelings of hurt, I was now having to process all of the horrible things I was saying about myself.
It took a long time for me to realize what I was doing to myself. I still have to stop and remind myself that I am worth something, and I don't deserve to be lied to. I think we all battle insecurites like this. At the end of the day though, we honestly just have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. As much as it hurts, we really do learn from our mistakes. I don't think I'll ever be a very trusting person, at least not naturally, but I believe I'm ready to once again put my full trust in another person. It honestly feels like I'm jumping off a bridge, but at the end of the day, all I can do is hope this other person is standing at the bottom ready to catch me.
So I have a question and a challenge for you: Do you find it hard to put your trust in others? My Challenge: Let yourself be vulnerable. If you're on the edge of something, jump with nothing but hope below you.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.