I seem to be having trouble posting blogs regularly. My head has been all over the place. I have been dwelling on my past a lot lately, and I'm pretty sure it's driving me insane. I feel like I can't move forward without some sort of closure. I'm desperately seeking some, I just don't know where to find any. In hopes of getting things off my chest in a new way, I've added a new place on my site. If you look up you'll notice a tab called "Letters". If you click it, you'll find letters written by me to people from my past, present, and future. I don't use actual names in my letters, but if a person ever read one about themself, they should quickly realize it's about them based on the alias I've chosen for them.
I've pretty much always been horrible at saying how I feel in person. I'm an incredibly guarded and emotionally damaged individual. I have perfected the art of faking a smile on the surface. I believe I've also become really good at lying. Not only to others, but to myself. On some level, I know I'm unhappy with the current state my life is in, yet I keep lying to myself, and pretend I'm content. I don't want to hurt the people around me, so I hurt myself instead. I constantly feel like I'm wasting my time on certain people, but I could never tell them that. I kind of wish that my lies would eventually become my reality. Then maybe I could be content with the way things are.
On many levels I disgust myself. I constantly talk about being honest on here, and not settling for less than you deserve, yet that's exactly what I'm doing. I hate the hypocrisy of myself. I don't really know where or how to begin to fix things. I feel like if I was completely honest with myself, and commited to making myself 100% happy, I would without a doubt hurt the people closest to me. I sometimes act like I don't have feelings or emotions, but it's all just a defense mechanism. I'm one of the most internally emotional people around. It would kill me to hurt those around me, just so I could be happy.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads. I know I'm going to have to make a big decision soon, but I just hope I make the right one. I want to be happy again. I want to reconnect with myself. Find what makes me happy, not who makes me happy. I think I've relied on others to make me content and feel validated far too long. I'm ready to dive headfirst into a commited relationship with myself. I think if I can do that, for the first time in my life I'll actually be giving a relationship my all. I just wish there was a way to do this that was painless for everyone. Wish me luck on my crossroads journey.
Question: Can we ever truely be happy with just ourselves? Or do we really need others in our life to find our own happiness?
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.