Once again, something I've said on here has gotten me in trouble in my personal life. One hand I feel like it's a good thing that I'm so honest on here. Then again, some of the brutally honest things I say end up hurting the people I care about most. The things I write are a collection of my thoughts at any given moment. My thoughts, feelings, and emotions are anything but static. What I say I'm feeling in one post can be miles about from what I feel 20 minutes after writing it.
I don't want to call myself emotionally unstable, that's notreally true. My emotions are just very scattered. I believe that's one of the things that makes relationships so unstable for me. I can be madly in love with someone one day, then just wake up completely out of love. Then give me some time and a little personal reflection, and I'm in love again. I sound like a crazy person when writing that, but it's true. I just wonder if that's normal, or healthy.
I know I don't have the healthiest thoughts about myself, so maybe what I feel for other people is unhealthy too. Relationships to me are like really acidic foods. They taste great, but all the while they're eating away my insides. Eventually I have to give something up, the great taste or my personal health.
I have no idea where my unhealthy relationship with relationships comes from. My parents have a seemingly normal and healthy relationship. So I've always had a very stable role model when it comes to love. TV always glamorizes love, so one would assume if I was going to have unhealthy expectations when it comes to love, I would have high expectations, not low ones.
Maybe some people are just meant to be alone. They say there's a soulmate for everyone, but there's not an even number of people in this world. So how can that be? I read somewhere that the average person falls in love ten times before getting married. With my track record, I'll be lucky to fall in love three times. Does this mean I'll never get married?
Marriage is all about stability, but what happens to those of us that are emotionally disconnected? My head and heart are never aligned it seems. I know that a lot of people have some issues when it comes to dating and expressing their emotions, but my issues seem to be greater than the average person.
Maybe I just need to speak with a therapist. Then again, I'm only twenty, are we as young adults expected to have everything about life and love figured out already? I get that we're supposed to learn from our experiences, but what if all of my experiences seem to fall into the same pattern? Clearly I'm not learning what I'm supposed to.
It's like I'm being handed all of these opportunities for love and happiness but I passively let them slip away. I know a lot of my issues spring from fear, but you would think I would learn by now that we sometimes have to face our fears. But what am I really so afraid of?
I talk myself out of my feelings for people. I am the hardest on the people I love most. I smile in the face of my enemies and spit in the face of my friends and family. Sure that's an exaggeration, but it's a pretty small one unfortunately. I feel like something is wrong with me. Im emotionally unaligned. I feel like I've cut my umbilical cord that connected me to reality. I'm slowly suffocating from my lack of clarity.
I want to live and love and love like a normal person would. There's no clear definition of normal, but I want to be in touch with my emotions. Instead of hiding from my feelings, I want to embrace them. If I love or care about someone I want my feelings to be clear to them. I'm tired of hiding behind this wall I've built to keep people out of my heart. I'm not just talking about potential relationships, I shut my family and friends out of my personal life too.
So ultimately I want to be more open, with myself and those around me. Sure I'm open on my blog, but these fragments of my feelings don't even come close to fully expressing what I feel on the inside. They are simply snapshots of this massive roll of film that is my life.
So here's my Challenge to you: Since I'm going to try to be more open with my feelings, I want you to do the same. Stop hiding behind your mind, and let your heart take center stage for once.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.