I've officially been back in school for half of a semester; I honestly was not sure I would ever make it to this point. Things are going alright. I am not struggling in any of my classes, except for French (which is completely disappointing because it has nothing to do with my efforts, my teacher is simply terrible). I plan on switching over to Spanish next semester and just self-study French in my free time. I love the language far to much to let what I have learned go to waste. I am still struggling to step outside of my comfort zone; I have not made any real friends. I am not sure if I come across as unfriendly or just shy; my instructors seems to enjoy me. This is kind of a double edged sword, I enjoy being liked by my instructors, but I kind of think that pushes my classmates away from me. It also is worth noting that I am a solid four or five years older than the majority of my classmates; this does not seem like a large gap, but based on my experiences, it is a huge generational gap. I don't feel as though I have anything in common with anyone. I am at an impasse - too young to befriend my instructors, to old to befriend my classmates.
Winter has been especially tough in my rental home. After being poisoned by propane gas on and off for months, we finally just cut the gas line off altogether. To keep warm, my roommates and I keep small heaters in our rooms. The rest of the house is too cold to function in - it is see your breath cold in my kitchen while trying to make breakfast, lunch and dinner. I am desperately awaiting the arrival of spring. This desperation derives not just from my desire for warmth, but my desire for change. The relationship I have with my most recent boyfriend has been very strained lately. We have been very on and off; trying to decide what we are and what we should do. I know that deep down, I can never love him. I am constantly guilted by my own conscious into trying to love him; because I know he has such strong feelings for me. I am drowning in my own loyalty. I am constantly reminded of past relationships, one in particular (which if you've read previous things I've written, you know which relationship I am always referring to); I tended to throw people away haphazardly in the past. I vowed to never do that again. This vow has me feeling trapped. Even though I'm not actually together with my most recent boyfriend, I still feel tied to him. I wish so desperately to severe all ties; however, this is next to impossible since we live in the same house.
That relationship changed me greatly, and I don't think it changed me for the better. At the end, I had myself questioning my sexuality, my morals, and even my standards. I was so off-put by this individual's romantic advances that I convinced myself I was asexual - which is the farthest thing from the truth. I lost my compass in regards to right and wrong; particularly the right and wrong time to tell someone you don't love them - I still haven't figured out the right time to confess my lack of love. This lack of truthfulness makes me feel like a traitor; I don't want this individual to think that I am leading him on. My actions should make my feelings clear enough, if I move away from every friendly touch, but I think not coming outright with my true feelings has held us both back. I look back on the relationship that we shared and I cannot figure out where and how I let my standards drop so drastically. He was and still is nothing that I could ever want. I want and need someone in my life who is just passionate about life as I am - not someone who makes me feel guilty for liking what I do, and not liking things he thinks I should. I have not smiled in months in this rental home. The only time I genuinely smile is when I am with my family or talking to a close friends. I cannot stand the feeling of walking on eggshells. I cannot be myself around this person, because I don't really even know who I am when I am around him . I am so lost. So confused. So broken.
I am determined to come out with my true feelings. That way he has no glimmer of hope that we can ever work out, and in hopes that I can free myself of the chains in which I tied myself to this person. I hope there is the possibility of remaining true friends, but I believe our current friendship is only held together by his belief that we could one day get back together. I am so sick of letting people down; especially myself. I let other people get inside my head when I broke up with the only person I have ever loved so many years ago; and I let other people get in my head when I began dating this new person. Everyone reminded me of my relationship track record, and made me out to be this horrible person who thought people and their hearts were disposable. So I set out to prove everyone wrong - which was a huge mistake. In trying to prove them wrong, I stayed in something far too long and now even though the actual relationship has dissolved, I am still stained by it. My wish for this Spring is a true cleanse. I want to free myself of old burdens and focus on the future.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.