My head has been spinning for days. I have to make a decision. One that I don't feel ready to face. I have so much uncertainty within myself. Within my heart and head. It's like I'm being pulled in two directions, and I'm just waiting to break. Actually, I kind of think I'm already broken. It's like as soon as I think I have everything figured out, life steps in, and knocks me off my feet. I'm just so lost. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. My mind is anything but at peace.
I'm hurting the only person I've ever truly loved, but I'm also hurting myself. I've been taking everyone elses opinions and feelings into account, but I've not had time to just assess my own. I think I know what my gut feeling actually is, but I keep lying to myself because I don't want to believe it. I am so terrifed of being alone. I'm afraid that if I end things the way they are, I'll never be happy again. I'll never find someone that loves me as much and as unconditionally as he did. I don't feel like I even deserve love. I never have, and yet he loved me.
I've always said that if two people are meant to be together, they will be. At some place, and some point in time, things will be as they should. But now I'm not so sure. What if he's my soulmate, but my fickle heart leads me to end things? What if we lose contact, and he hates me forever? Then I'll be forced to walk alone in this world, constantly facing the fact that I let my soulmate walk out the door.
On the other hand, what if we're not soulmates? What if the love we shared was real, but it was never meant to last forever? We could end up settling for one another, leaving our true soulmates to walk the Earth searching for their other half. Then we're sitting here, comfortable, but never fully content. I am just so lost.
A big part of me wants him to fight for me. Chase after me, make me realize exactly what I'd be losing if I said goodbye. But no, he's not chasing me. It's like he's running from me. Leaving me to make the decision of OUR fate all on my own. That doesn't seem fair. I've been slipping away for a while, but it just never felt like he tried to pull me back. He said I hurt him, but he never showed it. I'm not a mind reader, and I need someone that's going to be strong and say just what they're feeling. Put me in my place. Not just lay down and take it.
I put up a front, and pretend like I'm all metal and ice, but I'm not that tough. I need someone that's stronger than me, emotionally. Someone that knows exactly who they are, and what they want. Someone that can help me find myself. I'm such a fragile person, but I've been lying to myself. I've been pretending I'm something that I'm not: strong. I don't think I'll ever make a decision unless I get some feedback. Fight to keep me, or tell me you're ready to find someone easier to handle. Just say something. Please.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.