I've kind of started to notice the fact that I'm so guarded is becoming a detriment to my life. Other than the things I write, I don't really share much about myself with the outside world. Not even with the people closest to me. I think this is causing those around me to make judements about me based on no factual evidence at all. Some of these judements can be positive, as in people assume I'm a much better person than I actually am. But they can also be bad, as in I'm a heartless or cold person.
I think the things I say can be misinterpreted too easily. I'm a sarcastic person, and I'm also a very defensive person. I don't like being judged or having my motives for things questioned. These two things seem to always be happening in my life. Just the other day, I overheard two girls from one of my classes talking about me as I walked past them. I have known one of the girls since preschool, and I have no idea who the other girl is. The girl that I don't know said to the other "Is that girl a bitch or something? She's always walking around like she's better than everyone." The girl I've known for a long time replied with "No, she's not a bitch, she's just never talked much. . ." By this point I was out of earshot and couldn't hear the rest of the conversation, but I was really offended by it. I mean I'm glad the girl that knows me set the other girl straight, but I still don't know what would even make the other girl think I'm a bitch.
Unless I know you, I'm a terribly shy person. In class, I don't speak up or carry on conversations with those around me. I never have. That doesn't mean I'm a bitch. The other day I caught the same girl that called me a bitch, giving me the dirtiest look ever in class. I've never said a word to the girl, but it's clear she kind of hates me. What gives her the right to pass judgement on me? I'm kind of thinking she's the bitch in this situation. 1) You shouldn't talk about people behind their backs and 2) Why give someone a horrible glance for no reason? I wanted to ask her what her problem was, but I figured it wasn't even worth my time.
Going back to the things I say being misinterpreted and my motives constantly being questioned. I seem to be in constant conflict with my mother about my spirituality. I feel like she just assumes she knows what I believe or don't believe in, when in fact she's completely clueless. She's constantly making me feel like a bad person because I don't believe in going to church. And she makes little remarks that make it seem like I'm some horrible, and Godless person. My spirituality is really none of her business. I feel like faith and spirituality should be very internalized things. I don't believe in shoving ones beliefs in the faces of others. The reality is that I'm probably one of the most spiritual people you'll ever meet. Just because I don't claim one religion as my own, doesn't mean I don't have faith in anything. I believe in the purity of blind faith, and I'm against the hypocracy within organized religion. But if I tried to explain that to my mother, it would immediately be heard incorrectly. All she would hear is "I'm against religion" and then she'd start praying for my "atheistic soul." It drives me absolutely mad.
I wish I could express myself verbally half as well as I can express myself when I write. I'm a very internally focused individual, and I'm tired of being misunderstood. Just because I'm shy, I'm automatically a bitch. Just because I look at things from a different angle, I'm soulless creature in need of prayer. I hate these opinions of me! I'm sure there are all sorts of other horrible things that people assume about me too. What ever happened to not judging a book by it's cover? I really wish people would read my book! (haha or blog in this case)
I guess to sum this post up, I just wish we'd all be a bit more open minded. I wish we would stop passing judgement upon people when we know nothing about them. If you're curious about a person, ask them questions. But please, if you ask someone about themself, be open to honestly listen to what they're saying. Don't just hear what you want to hear. We all are made up of so much more than what we see on the surface.
My challenge for you: Really listen to what people have to say. And please, never judge someone based on appearances.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.