If there is such a thing as 'organized clutter' my life would be a perfect example of this. I am an extremely unorganized person, and I constantly bounce from one thing to another. I drive my poor sister absolutely mad. She is a very organized, type-A personality. She's determined, tidy, hardworking, and extremely mature for her young age. I'm basically the complete opposite of her. It's quite depressing, but I look up to my younger sister. I aspire to be more like her. Sometimes I feel like she parents me; I am constantly coming to her for advice about my whirlwind of a life. She's the one person that will not judge me for all the screwed up things I do, and say.
I often feel like my life has ADHD or something. I get attatched to people and things quickly, but I lose interest in them just as fast. I'm terrible at making plans, especially long term plans. Even when I make plans, I always leave myself wiggle room, because more likely than not, I'm going to change my mind about something. A lot of my decision making issues stem from my overall fear of commitment. I love having options, but I can never be satisfied with just one choice. It's like with ice cream, why would you order the same flavor every time you go buy ice cream? Sure, chocolate is yummy, but mint-oreo might rock your world. You'll never know until you try. What gets you in trouble is when you try to eat the chocolate ice cream and the mint-oreo in the same sitting. All you're going to get is an upset stomach.
Putting too much ice cream on your plate is dangerous enough for the average person, but with me, it's catastrophic. I'm not good with balancing my time, emotions, or energy. When I attempt to spread myself too thin, I'm not the only person that starts to rip apart. I can tell exactly when I've gone too far with people, it's kind of scary. I've already addressed the clutter aspect of my life, here's the organization: I have a very distinct pattern. Once I've spread myself too thin, I start getting distant. Distant from everyone, and everything. Then I start slacking off in all aspects of my life. Eventually I get hurt and so does someone close to me. It's a terrible pattern, I just don't know how to break the cycle. I feel like a really twisted person, and yet I continue to mangle myself and those attempting to get to close to me.
Maybe there's no resolution for a person like me. Perhaps this cycle is just my life, and it will always be that way. No one and nothing will ever mangage to tether me to them. I feel like a balloon filled with helium that has lost it's string. Like all balloons though, once I get too high and isolate myself from the ground below, I'm going to burst. Fingers crossed that I'm nowhere near that point yet, and that something will manage to keep me in this atmosphere.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.