They say you live and you learn. They say it’s better to have loved and then lost than to never have loved at all. They also say you sometimes have to let go of your past do you can move on with your future. They suck and have obviously never truly lived. Sometimes it’s just way too difficult to ever actually do any of the things “they” say. I find myself struggling to keep my head above water these days because I’m learning that I lost the love of my life, and now my future sucks because I screwed up in my past. It’s an awesome predicament to be in, huh?
About this time last year, I had that mad, passionate, real love people always search for and dream of. The problem was that I didn't see it. I was insecure and let others peer pressure me into ending what was probably the best situation and relationship I had ever been in, or will ever be in. I regretted my decision pretty much instantly. Instead of trying to find myself, and find out what I really needed in life. I threw myself into countless, meaningless relationships. I couldn't bear the thought of being on my own. I loved myself when I was with this other person. I felt whole, and complete.
The thing that hurts the most is that hindsight is 20/20 and I didn't realize that this person had completed me. I thought I was this invincible and strong chick who didn't need a man to complete her. I thought this relationship was just a handbag to compliment my already awesome outfit. (Ignore the cheesy fashion metaphor; it just best describes my feelings at that time) In reality, I had been an incomplete being, and when I found my mate things fit together so perfectly, I didn't even realize it. This perfection and completion of me happened gradually, but I stupidly tore it down in an instant. So in order to cope with this gaping hole in my being, I started clinging to any and every guy who gave me attention.
I wasn't a whore when it came to my body, but I would call myself an emotional whore. I tried to share my feelings with these guys, but nothing clicked. I could tell they liked me, some even loved me. Their feelings were on a very superficial level. I was craving a deeper connection than what they could offer; even if they were offering me all that they had. I’m not an idiot, I can tell when a shoe fits, and I can tell when a person fits into my life. I've only found that fit once, and I threw it away.
So here I sit today, wallowing in my past. I’m haunted by thoughts of what could have been. I know my life would be miles different today if I hadn't screwed up so epically. It’s remarkable to me how blind we can be in certain situations, yet looking back, things seem crystal clear. I found love at time when I wasn't mature enough to realize the value of what I had in my possession. My riches weren't stolen by some clever thief; I tossed my wealth aside and I've been thriving on pennies ever since.
I’m tired of trying to find someone to complete me, and settling on people who aren't the right fit for me. It’s time for me to complete myself. It will be a struggle, but I think it’ll be worth it. In a perfect world, my missing puzzle piece would read this, and he’d miss me too; he’d call me up and we’d go meet over some coffee or ice cream and things would fall right back into place. It would be as if nothing had ever happened, and we’d live happily ever after. Unfortunately I’m not Cinderella, and I obviously suck at creating fairy tales for myself. So all I can do is warn the masses so some idiot like me won’t suffer the same fate.
If you have something good, something that just feels right, don’t let it go. Don’t seek bigger and better things. Be humble and honor what is right in front of you. Sometimes we don’t realize what we had until it’s gone. I’d give anything to go back in time and change my fate. Don’t be a fool. If it feels like love, it is. Simple as that. If it doesn't feel right, or it feels forced, it’s not love. Leave. Save yourself the headache and heartache. Life is too short to settle for anything mediocre, especially when it comes to something like love.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.