Sometimes I find myself insanely depressed for no apparent reason. I hate it (I'm sure no one loves depression, though). I just really hate it because it seems like I have a lot going for me; at least on the surface. I have great friends, and a great family. I'm healthy and well educated. I just feel disconnected sometimes. From those around me and myself.
I don't think I'm bipolar or suffering from some bizarre mental illness, but I can't put my finger on what makes me feel so melancholy. I never feel like I fully fit in anywhere I'm at. Not many people get me or my sense of humor. Not even my family. (I'm excluding my sister, because I swear she's the only person who knows me. In fact, I think she knows me better than I know myself.) But overall, there's a strange void between me and everyone else. Even with my best friends, there's still this unspoken disconnection. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels it, but it's certainly there, regardless.
I feel so separated from the place I live in. I've just never been comfortable here. I mean, North Carolina is beautiful, but it has just never felt like home. I wish I knew where my true home was. They say home is where the heart is, but I really have no clue to where or to whom my heart belongs. When I get into these bouts of depression, my judgement becomes flawed. I become so disinterested in everything. My goals become hazy and I feel like I'm just existing. It's like I'm a ghost inside my own body. It's a chilling feeling. These traits are just so far removed from my typical personality.
I've been so overwhelmed with looking for a new car, trying to get college applications together, maintaining the house for my family, looking for a job, and the list goes on. I guess sometimes when things get so crazy and intense, I just mentally remove myself from them. When this happens though, almost immediately the depression follows. And to top it all off, insomnia is also a side effect. So I'm not only sad and overwhelmed, I'm functioning on very little sleep.
In those hours when I'm laying in my bed, in the dark, everything seems so desolate. Those are the times when I feel the most alone. It's like the rest of the world is sleeping peacefully or going on about their day, and there I am. Unmoving, unproductive, unhappy. At least when you sleep, you can escape the stresses of your day, no matter how awful it was. But when you can't sleep, you're forced to confront everything that is bothering you. All of the little things are projected onto your eyelids and you're forced to watch your misery replay over and over again.
I just feel like I need an escape. Or a shovel so I dig myself out of this miserable hole. I don't know how much longer I can function like this. I wish I could just pack a bag tonight and hop on a plane or train. I just want to get out of here, and out of my own head for a while. I want to find someplace that feels like home. Who knows, maybe my home is the road itself? I've always been really terrible at sticking with things for any extended period of time; maybe my hometown is well past it's expiration date.
Sorry for such a depressing post today, I just needed to vent. Hopefully you're doing better than I am right now.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.