I’ve slowly come to realize something about myself; I am completely screwed up in the head. I constantly find myself running away from people and situations that would actually be good or beneficial for me. I run out of pure fear. Opportunities for things like jobs, and relationships come up quite a bit, but I won’t take anyone up on these chances. I think I’m ultimately afraid of failure. I’m scared that I’m not good enough, for anything or anyone. I’m human, and I have flaws, but I don’t think my insecurities are coming from these flaws. My ultimate flaw is probably my brain. I have a very skewed view of myself.
I’d like to sit here and pretend that I know myself inside and out, but I really don’t. I am always putting myself down, and pointing out my own flaws. This pretty much makes me a hypocrite because I’m constantly talking about empowerment and embracing flaws on here. I think I’m really good at accepting others, and their quirks. However, I can’t look in the mirror without finding something wrong with my reflection.
When it comes to relationships, I like to run away before I actually invest all of myself in someone. I do this in hopes of protecting my heart, but I also think there’s a deeper reason. I’m not secure enough in my own skin to feel worthy of another person’s affection; and certainly not for an extended period of time. My friends make fun of me, and I say that I have a six month time limit when it comes to dating someone. Sadly, this is true. My longest relationship to date has been eight months, but I was steadily slipping away by the six month mark.
I say I’m not ready for a relationship, but deep down I kind of want one. I hate the idea of being alone. I don’t want a rebound though, that’s just too unfair for the other person. I’m actively searching for someone that I could potentially fall in love with again. It’s hard for me admit that I love LOVE. The hopeless romantic down inside of me still feels like there’s a chance for me to be happy with another person again.
Before I get myself into another relationship though, I am committed to fixing myself. I don’t mean that I’m going to attempt to fix the flaws I see within myself, I’m going to work on the internal part of me. I have to find a way to accept the person I am. It won’t be easy, but it has to be done. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you have to love yourself before you can love another person. I’m ready to find love again, so I need to start loving myself.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.