It’s like I'm spiraling out of control. That's the best way I can put it at this moment. I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions and it's only a matter of time before a part of me gets stretched too far. It's my own fault. I think I've been living in a fantasy world for quite sometime. I've been trying to fit into a mold that I thought was right for me. It’s starting to become very clear that I just don’t belong in this mold. I’ve been trying to be perfect for so many people. I’m beginning to see the cracks I left while trying to hurry and conform. I’m starting to feel like Dorian Gray when he saw the painting of his own face for the first time. (Well, he died, but from shock). I’m shocked at the person I’ve become.
On one hand, I’ve been striving to better my life and health. I’ve become a vegetarian, and I’m trying to eat as healthy as possible. I’m trying to get regular exercise; all of the things a physician would be proud of. A psychiatrist on the other hand would probably we appalled. I’ve lost sight of who I really am. I used to be this vivacious, deeply spiritual girl, who knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. Now, however, I feel like I’ve dead bolted myself to the floor. I’m trapped by this person I’ve become, a person that I don’t even recognize.
Maybe I’ve not lost sight of myself; perhaps we’re all just in a constant state of evolution. I’m evolving quicker than I can come to terms with. I want to grow, and better myself, but I also want to get back to my roots. I want to bring back the girl that prayed every night. The girl that took on art projects in her spare time, and was constantly scribbling in a journal, or tinkering on her piano. The girl that reveled in her independence, and wasn’t afraid of being alone. I miss the girl that wasn’t going to change for anyone.
But here I sit, changed.
I’ve been lying to myself and those around me. I’m not happy. I don’t know what I need to be happy anymore. It’s like I’ve been painting this elaborate watercolor, but I got carried away. I was too confident. Now all of the colors have just ran into one another and created an ugly shade of grey. I’m sick of faking a smile for the people around me. I want to be truly happy again. I need to paint over all this grey with some vibrancy. I think I just need to focus on making myself happy again, all on my own. Sure, it’s wonderful having people in your life that try to make you happy. Ultimately though, you have to make yourself happy before anyone else can.
I need to remind myself of what truly makes me happy. No one can do that for me. I guess this is the part where I go off and do some soul searching. I just desperately want to get out of this funk that I’ve been in lately.
My Challenge to you: If you’re lost, go find yourself. If you find the piece of me that I seem to be missing, please return it to its owner.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.