I'm very much aware of the fact that I have been failing miserably when it comes to keeping this blog updated. I could list a million different excuses, but an excuse does not create an interesting post. There have been so many things that I could have easily shared on here over the past couple of months. A lot of changes have been going on in my life.
I have finally gotten things squared away at the university I will be attending in the Fall. This sounds like a positive thing, but it's really not all that thrilling for me. I'm ending up at the school I least wanted to attend, in one of my least favorite areas. I got accepted to the school of my dreams, but after visiting the campus, I knew it wasn't the place for me. After much internal conflict, I finally settled on a school close to home, that at least has a few of my friends. I keep telling myself that I only have to survive for a year, and if I hate it I can just transfer to another school. It's nice to have options, but at the same time it just sucks altogether, because I'm not in the place I wanted to be physically or mentally. I had a plan for myself, and a goal, and I feel like a failure now that things aren't going as I envisioned them. I shouldn't be surprised though, I've accepted the fact that I have anti-luck. I like to call this anti-luck "Fuck" (affectionately, of course.)
When I broke up with my last boyfriend back in February, I thought all of these new doors would open for me. I thought there might be potential in rekindling an old flame, the only flame I've ever felt that warmed my heart enough to feel like real love. I rekindled some communication, which is lovely, but there is no hope at all in starting a new relationship. As soon as we started getting comfortable with each other again, he tells me that he's going to be in another state all summer. Long distance fire starting sounds like so much fun, eh? Nope. Fuck strikes again!
I know that it was naive of me to think there was a possibility of falling in love with my first love all over again, but sometimes my optimism gets the better of me. Once my initial hope for love was dashed, I set my sights on another potential love connection. In my mind, this guy is beyond perfect for me, hell, he's practically me with a penis! We've known each other for a few years, and we have incredible conversations. The only thing (well, one of the only downfalls, there's a laundry list) is that we rarely ever see one another. We have amazing and intimate conversations over the phone, and when we are together in person, it never feels awkward. It feels perfect. I don't really know why we hardly ever get together. I guess since he's so much like me, he has a flaky gene (one of my pitfalls, I'll admit it). Two flakes do not make dates very well.
That's another problem though, dates. I can never tell if we're on one. I can't read this guy at all. Am I friendzoned? Is he checking me out? Do I sound stupid? Do I sound smart? Does he like me? Am I just a bootycall? It is so infuriating not knowing where I stand with this guy! The unknown isn't even the ultimate tragedy of this situation. Fuck is at it again!
The relationship problems really aren't my main problems. Hell, the school situation isn't even my main problem. They're just like little cherries on top of this horrible ice cream sundae I've been building for a while. All of the little stresses in my life have been adding up and all of this pressure is reawakening some of my old demons. Depression, anxiety and eating disorders, to be exact. I've been trying insanely hard to get a grip on my issues so I can control them better, but my grasp is slipping. I'm getting weaker by the minute. I'm so scared that I'm going to let go and have a mental breakdown like I did a few years ago. My depression and anxiety only seem to fuel my issues with food. I don't think I can physically handle losing or gaining insane amounts of weight again. It just feels like I'm constantly on a roller coaster. My mood is up one moment and down the next. I'm calm around one corner and having a panic attack around the next. I can keep my eating habits under control for a week or so, then it shifts. I'm starving myself one day and binge eating the next. I'm scrambling to find balance, but nothing is working.
I slacked on blogging for a while, but I've been maintaining a journal in my absence. I thought that having all of my thoughts in one, private place could help me keep things under control. I thought the privacy could alleviate some of the pressure I put on myself and the pressure that I feel from society. I've been working really hard with yoga and Pilates. I thought the exercise could quell some of my fears about weight gain and the yoga would strengthen my mind, body, and soul. It has to be helping, but it's not doing as great of a job as I had originally hoped. I don't know what I need in my life in order to find true balance; I just hope I can find it soon.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.