Want to know something that drives me crazy about myself? I am so terribly afraid of commitment. I'm not only talking about relationships here. I dwell on the stupidest things. I can mull over a blouse at the store for an hour, and then end up not buying it. Why? Because I'm afraid to commit. What if I get it home, and it looks funny when I try it on again? What if the salesperson lied when she said that color would look great on me? I really believe I have a psychological disorder or something. It cannot be healthy to second guess pretty much every single thing you do. What's the point of living if you're going to spend most of your time calculating the risk of your actions and investments?
I believe a large chunk of my fear of commitment comes from my lack of self-confidence. I second guess my clothing purchases because I'm not comfortable with my body. I second guess my relationships too. I think I do this because I don't feel worthy of taking up someone else's time. I'm afraid to invest all of myself, because what if I'm not good enough for the other person? What if they get tired of me? What if I reveal something about myself that completely turns them off? Then where am I left? Alone, and feeling like everything that went wrong was my fault.
I second guess all of my future plans too. I can't even commit to a major that I want to study in school. On one hand, I have a ton of interests and it's hard to pick the right one. But on a deeper level, I think I'm just afraid of failure. What if I spend four years of my life studying Creative Writing, and I end up broke and homeless because I'm not a good enough writer? Or what if I decide to go into Psychology? Something that absolutely facinates me. I'd be spending way more than four years working towards getting a degree that would land me a career in clinical psychology. I'd also be investing so much money. What if I waste all of my money and my family's money? I can't get a job, and I end up diagnosing my own mental disorders as well as my cats. (Since I'm afraid everyone will eventually get tired of me, inevitably I'm probably going to turn into a crazy cat lady).
There's this huge chunk of me that lacks confidence, but underneath it all, there's still this small glimmer of hope. This tiny piece of me that sometimes comes to the surface to remind me that I am beautiful, I am worthy of another person's love, and I can be successful if I work hard enough. I am so thankful for this tiny little light within. I just wish it would surface more often. I struggle every single day with my self-confidence, and with my commitments. Hopefully I'm fighting a winning battle though. First on my agenda, commit to quit putting myself down.
So my question to you: Do you find it hard to commit to things? If so, why do you struggle?
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.