I've been feeling insanely overwhelmed lately. It has been driving me crazy. School is killing me, and I'm just struggling to survive until December 16 (the last day of the semester). Thanksgiving break cannot get here quick enough. I need some time to breathe. I feel like I'm being suffocated all the time. It's not just school that's smothering me though. I feel like I'm once again at a crossroads in my life and it's time for me to reevaluate some things. I'm trying to look seriously at my future. Which university I want to go to, what I really want to major in. I'm trying to figure out where I want to live, and who I want to live with. A big part of me is ready to be on my own.
I used to hate being alone, and I always wanted to be with someone. Now I catch myself craving time alone. Room to be myself, and make my own mistakes. Just space to have fun, and be free. I desperately need some freedom. I'm rapidly approaching my 20th birthday, and what do I have to show for the past two decades? Nothing. I want to do something big. Make a name for myself. Be by myself. I love the people around me, but sometimes it's all just too much. I would absolutely consider myself a free spirit, and I've been feeling caged lately. I just have to figure out my escape plan. I want to make a clean break. Something that wont hurt me, or anyone else. I just hope that's possible.
I'm young, and still just trying to figure things out. I don't know what or who I need at this point. I think that's a big part of my problem. I've lost sight of who I really am. I need to be with myself, and have no distractions. I all the time think I have things figured out, but it always ends up blowing up in my face. I'm a highly intuitive person, and my intuition is telling me that the ways things are right now, aren't how they should be. I hope I can figure out what I need to do before I dig myself deeper into this rut I'm in.
Question: What's the best way to reconnect with your lost self?
I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. I used to think I had a pretty definitive plan for the way my life would pan out. I'm maturing every day and thinking much harder about what I really want out of life, and what is really important to me. When it comes down to it, all that really matters is love, and having good people to share the experiences of your life with.
I have some great people in my life, but I'm starting to look closer at these people. I'm quickly starting to realize which of these people are actually going to be there for me through thick and thin. I value everyone in my life, and I believe people are put into our lives for a reason. Sometimes they aren't placed there permanently though. So I'm trying to value the time I have with these people, while I have them. On the other hand, there are some people in my life that I know will be there forever. I have amazing friends all over the country, and some incredible people on different continents. These are the people that I would honestly lay my life on the line for, and I really believe they would do the same for me.
I used to say that I didn't really believe in love, but once you've found it, it's impossible not to believe. I also used to say that I really didn't care about marriage. I didn't feel like I needed a piece of paper to validate my love for another person. But today I was thinking, and I realized, it's really not about that paper at all. Marriage is about more than wasting money on an elaborate wedding, in an attempt to prove your love for someone. The wedding itself is an opportunity to publically proclaim your love for that other person.
I think there's something special about giving your last name to another person, and giving up your last name for someone you love. I look forward to the day I go to fill out my marriage license, and the day I go shopping for a wedding dress. I want the wedding itself to be really small and intimate. No more than 50 people. I want the people I mentioned earlier to be there. The ones that are really going to be there for me, and are truely happy that I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I believe we're all growing and changing constantly. I think this is a positive thing. If life and the people in it were static, where would all the joy and excitement be? I believe we should embrace the changes in our lives, and look for the people that will be there to experience these changes with us. Life's a difficult thing to go through, so why try to go through it alone?
My question for you: What changes have you gone through lately?
Want to know something that drives me crazy about myself? I am so terribly afraid of commitment. I'm not only talking about relationships here. I dwell on the stupidest things. I can mull over a blouse at the store for an hour, and then end up not buying it. Why? Because I'm afraid to commit. What if I get it home, and it looks funny when I try it on again? What if the salesperson lied when she said that color would look great on me? I really believe I have a psychological disorder or something. It cannot be healthy to second guess pretty much every single thing you do. What's the point of living if you're going to spend most of your time calculating the risk of your actions and investments?
I believe a large chunk of my fear of commitment comes from my lack of self-confidence. I second guess my clothing purchases because I'm not comfortable with my body. I second guess my relationships too. I think I do this because I don't feel worthy of taking up someone else's time. I'm afraid to invest all of myself, because what if I'm not good enough for the other person? What if they get tired of me? What if I reveal something about myself that completely turns them off? Then where am I left? Alone, and feeling like everything that went wrong was my fault.
I second guess all of my future plans too. I can't even commit to a major that I want to study in school. On one hand, I have a ton of interests and it's hard to pick the right one. But on a deeper level, I think I'm just afraid of failure. What if I spend four years of my life studying Creative Writing, and I end up broke and homeless because I'm not a good enough writer? Or what if I decide to go into Psychology? Something that absolutely facinates me. I'd be spending way more than four years working towards getting a degree that would land me a career in clinical psychology. I'd also be investing so much money. What if I waste all of my money and my family's money? I can't get a job, and I end up diagnosing my own mental disorders as well as my cats. (Since I'm afraid everyone will eventually get tired of me, inevitably I'm probably going to turn into a crazy cat lady).
There's this huge chunk of me that lacks confidence, but underneath it all, there's still this small glimmer of hope. This tiny piece of me that sometimes comes to the surface to remind me that I am beautiful, I am worthy of another person's love, and I can be successful if I work hard enough. I am so thankful for this tiny little light within. I just wish it would surface more often. I struggle every single day with my self-confidence, and with my commitments. Hopefully I'm fighting a winning battle though. First on my agenda, commit to quit putting myself down.
So my question to you: Do you find it hard to commit to things? If so, why do you struggle?
There are tons of television shows out there that try to prove the existance of ghosts. Most of these shows are completely over the top, and ridiculous. Which is probably why so many of us deny the existance of ghosts. But anyone who says ghosts aren't real is lying to themself. Ghosts are walking among us each and every day.
These ghosts and demons usually belong to the skeletons in our closets. They like to haunt us on a daily basis, and then appear out of nowhere. Usually when we are least equipped to handle their presence. They can send chills down our spine, make us afraid of our own shadows, and fear the darkness. They can drive us mad with wonder and confusion. It's like they're constantly around us, and never there at the same time. How is this even possible?
What is it that makes these ghosts want to show up when we're feeling the most vulnerable? Do they have a supernatural sixth sense? Or an innate drive to hurt us? Or maybe they don't intend to hurt us. Perhaps we are the demons of our ghosts. It's a vicious cycle of hauntings, and one ghost decides to rattle their chains before the other.
Whatever the reason, I believe we're all haunted at one point or another in our life. It's our own decision whether or not we want to deny their presence, exercise the spirits, or confront our demons head on. No matter what we decide to do, we can only hope that we make the right choice.
Question: Who or what haunts you? And are you ready to face that ghost?
I seem to be having trouble posting blogs regularly. My head has been all over the place. I have been dwelling on my past a lot lately, and I'm pretty sure it's driving me insane. I feel like I can't move forward without some sort of closure. I'm desperately seeking some, I just don't know where to find any. In hopes of getting things off my chest in a new way, I've added a new place on my site. If you look up you'll notice a tab called "Letters". If you click it, you'll find letters written by me to people from my past, present, and future. I don't use actual names in my letters, but if a person ever read one about themself, they should quickly realize it's about them based on the alias I've chosen for them.
I've pretty much always been horrible at saying how I feel in person. I'm an incredibly guarded and emotionally damaged individual. I have perfected the art of faking a smile on the surface. I believe I've also become really good at lying. Not only to others, but to myself. On some level, I know I'm unhappy with the current state my life is in, yet I keep lying to myself, and pretend I'm content. I don't want to hurt the people around me, so I hurt myself instead. I constantly feel like I'm wasting my time on certain people, but I could never tell them that. I kind of wish that my lies would eventually become my reality. Then maybe I could be content with the way things are.
On many levels I disgust myself. I constantly talk about being honest on here, and not settling for less than you deserve, yet that's exactly what I'm doing. I hate the hypocrisy of myself. I don't really know where or how to begin to fix things. I feel like if I was completely honest with myself, and commited to making myself 100% happy, I would without a doubt hurt the people closest to me. I sometimes act like I don't have feelings or emotions, but it's all just a defense mechanism. I'm one of the most internally emotional people around. It would kill me to hurt those around me, just so I could be happy.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads. I know I'm going to have to make a big decision soon, but I just hope I make the right one. I want to be happy again. I want to reconnect with myself. Find what makes me happy, not who makes me happy. I think I've relied on others to make me content and feel validated far too long. I'm ready to dive headfirst into a commited relationship with myself. I think if I can do that, for the first time in my life I'll actually be giving a relationship my all. I just wish there was a way to do this that was painless for everyone. Wish me luck on my crossroads journey.
Question: Can we ever truely be happy with just ourselves? Or do we really need others in our life to find our own happiness?
I've officially realized that I am horrible at getting over people and events. I lie to myself, and say that I'm not going to dwell on things, but eventually I always end up doing the complete opposite of that. I just don't understand how some people can appear to move on from things so quickly and so smoothly. What am I doing wrong?
I think I invest too much of myself into everything I do, and everyone I come to care about. I say that we should love everyone and open our hearts, but everytime I do, I get hurt. I guess the reality of the world we live in is that people don't ever want to invest as much of themselves as you do. This doesn't only happen with people, either. Everytime I get my hopes up about something, it falls apart. Maybe I should just stop getting my hopes up altogether. Anticipate less than I deserve or want, and I'll eventually get pleasantly surprised instead of emotionally devasted.
I'm not trying to sound depressing or anything. Maybe I'm just emotionally damaged, and needed to rant a bit. On the surface everything seems like smooth sailing, but sometimes I get way too far inside my own head and get kind of depressed. It's not even like anything bad is happening to me right now. This just goes back to me dwelling on things from my past. I wish I could take my own advice: move forward, be optimistic, yadda yadda yadda. I'm just in a self-pitty kind of mood tonight apparently. It should pass soon. Until then, I'm going to try and get out of the vortex that is my own mind.
So Question: What's the best method of getting over things that are clearly unhealthy to dwell on?
So we all say that our families are crazy. Most of us would even throw in some adjectives like annoying, strange, embarrassing, etc. But am I the only person out there that is kind of ashamed of certain people in their family? I'm not talking about my parents or younger sister, but once you start to branch out from there, I seriously wonder how many family members were dropped on their heads as children.
Common sense is not even in most of their vocabulary. I am from the south, so sure, I have a southern accent (which by the way, doesn't measure intelligence at all. It's just a dialect, people). But people like the ones in my family seriously give southerners a bad name. If you are not from the south, and you met half of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and what-not, you would assume everyone from the south is mentally handicapped, racist, close-minded, bible thumping, red-blooded, and idiotic. I can't stand it.
I'm about as liberal as they come, if I started speaking about politics at a family gathering, I would either confuse everyone, and/or get a bible study lecture. It drives me insane. I guess I just wish people could be more open-minded. Maybe I just have a hard time realizing there is a generational gap between me, and most of the family members I'm thinking of when writing this. But what scares me, is the fact that they are raising their children (my first, second, third, ect. cousins) to be just as close minded, redneck, racist, unintelligable, and moronic people as themselves.
I'm all for conserving the past, and holding on to tradition. I mean, I'll probably create many family traditions of my own one of these days, but certain things should not be passed down. Ignorance is at the top of that list. I think in a way, I'm scared for our future, because I know my family can't be the only one like this out there.
I get to see most of these people at a family 4th of July cookout tomorrow. I'm already practicing holding my tongue. It's much harder than it sounds, trust me. Perhaps I'm a terrible person for ranting about my relatives like this. This topic always weighs heavily on my mind around holidays. Just wish me luck on holding my tongue, and holding my ground when necessary. I hope everyone has a nice 4th of July holiday.
So my question for you: What does your family do that drives you absolutely mad?
This isn't going to be a very long post, at least I don't think it will be. I'm just pondering a lot of things right now. Maybe I've seen one too many Disney movies or something lately, but I just wonder what goes on after the Princess and Prince ride off into the sunset. Supposedly they have found true love, so is their relationship constant fireworks? Or does it fizzle, and then they just sort of get comfy with eachother. Then the fiery passion just turns into an ember? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with embers, but is that all we get? Is there not an eternal flame?
As I've stated numerous times, I'm a closet romantic, so maybe I'm just overthinking things. Or perhaps I've just set love up on a pedestal that it doesn't actually live up to. I love the idea of love, I just wonder if there are different kinds of love. Or maybe there is only one type of love, and it has multiple stages. I just realized I said "love" entirely too many times, so just ignore that. But answer me this: Is true love an eternal flame of fiery passion? Or does that only happen in fairy tales?
After spending some time around my friends and family and being observant, or being a creeper (either way) I've started to wonder what it takes to make people feel loved. I know we're all different, but I just find people's ideas about love completely fascinating. For some people it can be a touch, a look, a saying. It doesn't always take something theatrical for there to be an understood feeling of love between two people.
Some people are cuddlers. I was with one of my bestfriends yesterday, and she said that she hadn't been able to cuddle with anyone in a long time. It obviously made her kind of upset. I am not a cuddler. I've never been a very touchy feely person, so if you can get a hug out of me, you know I care about you. So when she was talking about not being able to cuddle in a long time, I just kind of wrote it off at first. Then I started thinking, maybe for her to feel loved, and comforted, she needs that physical closeness. It makes sense too, I mean you can't get much closer to another person than when you're wrapped up in eachother's arms. My friend, and I'm sure many others, associate a physical connection (not neccesarily a sexual one) with a real feeling of love.
I noticed my parents the other day, and they aren't super physical or touchy feely. They don't hug and kiss all the time or anything, but it's obvious that they love eachother. Even after 20 years of marriage. I began to wonder what it was that made their love for eachother so apparent, even without tons of hugs and kisses. I really think it's the way they communicate with eachother. Clearly they are super comfortable with one another. They can fight like crazy one second, and be cutting up ten minutes later. I don't think fighting is healthy at all, but the way they fight, and the things they fight over are always aimed at trying to help or protect the other person. Then there are the ways in which they cut up with one another. There is so much laughter in my house, I love it. I think all great relationships have a common thread, the ability to make the person you love laugh. I mean, who wants to be stuck with someone that can't make you laugh, and doesn't get your sense of humor? Laughter is the best medicine, and I think it adds to the longevity of a relationship.
They say the eyes are the windows into our souls, and I really believe this. If you ever watch someone when they are around the person they love, you can see a special look in their eyes. A smile from within that exposes itself briefly in their eyes. It's like there is a special look, reserved for that one person that makes them whole. When my Grandpa was still alive, I used to catch him staring at my Grandma. They were the funniest couple ever, they argued all the time. My Grandma could be sitting on the couch, refusing to talk, or even look at my Grandpa, and yet he'd be staring at her with a spark behind his eyes, and a little smirk on his face. It's like he was thinking, "This woman is absolutely crazy, and I'm crazy for her." That is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. Now that my Grandpa has passed, I can be with my Grandma looking at old photographs, and she'll see a picture of my Grandpa. There is obvious sadness and longing behind her eyes, but there's also a slight smile on her face. She's obviously looking at the face of the man she loves with all of her being.
After observing everyone around me, and their love induced actions, I started to wonder about myself. What do I do when I'm in love? How do I act? What do I need in order to feel loved, and how do I show love in return? With me, I don't need a physical connection. Sure, it can be nice and wonderful. I just don't HAVE to have it. I love the idea of a sincere look of love. It seems so beautiful and powerful to me. I just don't know if I do it though. I believe the best way for me to give love and feel love is through communication. I like hearing how people feel. I am never good with spoken words, but if I say I love you, I do. I've also noticed, that I have a funny way of showing love. If I pick on someone, or cut up with them, that's my way of saying I love you. I can't take myself seriously, and I always feel awkward trying to be sentimental. So I goof off, and make fun of the people I care about. It's weird, I know, but it's who I am, and what I do. Love is a crazy thing, so I guess it makes sense that I'm totally crazy around the people I love.
So my question for you: How do you act when you're in love? What do you need to feel loved, and how do you show love?
Life can be super stressful. It can be hard making it through a single day at times. Luckily most of us have someone we can turn to that lets us vent, and say what needs to be said so we can feel better. I have a tendency to hold what I’m feeling inside, and bottle things up. This is super unhealthy, I know. When I bottle things up they eat away at me, and I end up exploding emotionally. I’m kind of scared that I’ll eventually implode from all the stress I put on myself. What I lack in the ability to express how I’m feeling to others, I think I make up for it with the fact that I’m an excellent listener.
I have actually been called the white Oprah. Funny, yes, but also kind of true. I take pride in the fact that I have never told a secret that someone has trusted me with. I am an open book that is always willing to hear what someone else needs to say. I don’t know that I give the most helpful advice, but I always attempt to give the best advice I can. I wouldn’t say that I’ve had the most intense life lessons to learn from, but I do try very hard to learn something from everything that transpires in my life.
I kind of believe I make a good listener because I approach everything from an unbiased perspective. I try to see things from the point-of-view of everyone involved. It can be super easy to takes sides when listening to a story, but I fight that urge with all that I have. It can be hard to open up to people (trust me, I know this well) so I try to be as comforting as I can. Though I’m going to think twice before trying to hug someone that is opening up to me, I attempted to hug a friend once, and it totally freaked her out. But I think that’s just her personality, she’s not very open. Which I clearly understand. It made for a funny moment though.
Even though I don’t open up frequently, I am fortunate enough to have amazing people in my life that are willing to listen if I ever feel the urge to vent. I believe these people know who they are, and I hope they know that I am more than ready and willing to return the favor at any time. Unfortunately everyone isn’t as lucky as I am, with having such a great support system. I really wish there was a way for me to be there for all of those people. Like I said, I don’t offer the best advice out there, but I really do try.
I think it’s important for each and every single one of us to feel supported, and feel like someone is actually listening to us. When things get crazy, it’s the most comforting thing to feel like someone cares. No matter where you are, or what you’re going through, I can assure you, someone cares. I care. I may not know you, but I honestly hope that whatever you’re going through gets better. From experience, I’ve learned that things get better if you give them time. Time really does heal all wounds. So stay strong, and let what you’re feeling out.
So my questions for you: Who do you turn to when you need to vent? What’s your release?
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.