If your love crashed and burned on it's maiden voyage, are you doomed to go down with the ship a second time around? Or, can you salvage your shipwreck and sail into the sunset? Is love a one shot thing, or can you love, lose, and then love again?
Is time capable of healing old wounds? Or will they eventually resurface, most likely with the worst timing? If you loved someone once, it makes sense that you could love them again. Right? Maybe that's just wishful thinking. Do we ever really change enough to make old problems in a relationship obsolete? They say if you love something you should let it go and if it comes back, then you'll know. But what if you don't know at all? What if some people are better left in our pasts, no matter how much we loved them at one point. The trick is in determining who to leave behind and who to throw a life preserver to. Sometimes it feels like we're all sinking on the ship named LOVE. Is it best to go down on your own, or flailing into the arms of another?
Why does love have to be the most complex thing in existence? And why do we all crave it like cocaine? If I'm going down with this ship, I want to make sure I drown quickly alone; or tread water with someone else, at least long enough to catch glimpse what makes love worth all the pain.
Does Ex mark the spot on our maps, or is it best to seek out a new treasure?
I understand that I live in a ridiculously small, southern town, and that people here are not the most open minded. One thing I have been discovering disgustingly quick is the fact that members of my own family are horribly backwards thinking.
Just to clarify, I'm not talking about my mom, dad or sister; I'm going a bit further out in the family circle. During election season I had an eye opening conversation with a female family member. Some of the things she said utterly disgusted me. I had mentioned something about a female president and she responded with a conversation she had with a female coworker. They believed that a woman would not make a good president because "women can't control their emotions well and if she was having a bad day, she might decide to nuke everyone." This was not said in a joking manner, and I immediately wanted to punch her square in the vagina.
This family member is only in her early thirties. The fact that she was so young, and pretty much sexist about her own gender shocked me. What happened to forward thinking younger generations? The conversation only sickened me more when the topic of abortion came up. Now, I'm pro-choice, simply because I believe every person should have control of their bodies (that includes who goes in and out). I understand that my family member is a devout Christian, so she's pro-life. However when I mentioned cases of rape, I was left flabbergasted when she said that she believed "God wanted that rape to happen and that child to be born." Question, what kind of God "wants" someone to get raped? Her logic completely disturbed me.
I understand where her backwards thinking got its start, her mother is ridiculously closed minded and hypocritical. The thing that scares me though, is the fact that she's raising her twelve year old son to be judgmental and full of hate.
Today her son was at my house and made remarks just as disturbing as his mother. He has just switched schools and was talking about his new classmates. He mentioned one boy whom he believes is gay. He said he'd never be his friend because he's weird. My mom chimed in with "It doesn't matter if he's gay or not, he might make a really good friend." My dear, young, little family member responded with "he already has a lot of friends, but they're all girls." Since he's in middle school, I said "Woah, maybe you should hang out with him then, you might get a girlfriend and a new bestfriend." The thing he said following this honestly hurt my heart, he said "They're all black girls and my mom wont let me date black girls."
His grandmother was sitting there totally agreeing that he should not befriend the "gay" child or date outside of his race. I literally had to bite my tongue so I didn't go off on her. I've had arguments with her before about homosexuality and racism, and it's literally like talking to a wall.
I'm so sick of people defending their hate with a Bible, or people sticking up for the rude remarks of others because the rude people are "from a different generation." Age has nothing to do with a person's capacity to hate or love or think. Ignorance breeds more ignorance. I'm so scared this vicious cycle of hate and misunderstanding is never going to cease, it's only going to perpetuate. Is there no way at all to get through to these people? I'm ashamed that these comments came from members of my own family.
I really don't even want to be associated with them at this point. I just wish I knew how to get through the thick, Bible-numbed minds of these individuals and the countless others just like them. Why, in 2013, are the issues of racism, sexism, and homophobia still relevant at all? How can there ever be progress in this world if younger generations are brought up in a perverted time capsule?
Is there hope for these people, or the future for that matter?
It's so strange that hindsight is 20/20, but when we're living in a moment, living and breathing right within this fragment of time, we can be so blind. They say it's better to have loved and then lost than to never have loved at all; but what if you loved and tossed and now you are left feeling empty and lost? I made a mistake almost a year ago to the day, and I have been reeling from the events every second that I am breathing.
I am haunted by the ghosts of my past and past actions. I don't know if I am capable of moving on, or if I even should. It is advised to learn from your past and never look back, but what if a piece of your soul is tied to the past? Cutting this loose will not only hurt, it will kill a piece of my entire being. Is it possible to open doors from the past and not get them slammed back into our faces? I am seriously contemplating opening old wounds in attempt to heal. I don't want to hurt anyone further, I just want to be happy. I was happy once, truly happy; I just couldn't see it.
So, do you believe it's safe to rattle the skeletons in my closet? Or should I let the dead rest in peace and die along with them?
I absolutely hate family gatherings these days. The conversation always has to touch on politics and what is wrong with the world today. On Mother's Day for instance, we had a large family gathering with all the grandparents. My mother cooked, and everyone ate. While everyone was sitting in the kitchen enjoying their meal, my great-grandpa had to start bashing Obama, and going on one of his usual rants about how terrible society is today. I don't know how he can be so oblivious to the fact that he's offending some of the people around him. Not everyone believes just like he does, but does he care? Nope. He then went on to say something about my mother's weight. (A normal occurance as well) I was just so fed up with hearing the absurd things he was saying. He offended me and frankly pissed me off when he hurt my mom's feelings.
I was texting one of my friends to escape the torturous conversation, and he chimes in with "that's what's wrong with young people today!" I bit my tongue, but I looked at my mother, who was sitting across from me and whispered "at least I'm not working a pole or doing drugs." She just looked at me and I knew she was thinking, just don't say anything, he's old and doesn't know any better. That's the thing though. Since when does being old excuse someone for being mean? I don't care what generation a person is from, most all of us have heard the saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
We are all entitled to our opinons, but there is a time and place for those opinons to be known. A family dinner in which the mothers are supposed to be honored and respected should not have to turn into a political debate, and a 'let's put down people' party. I know we are supposed to respect our elders, but why should we respect someone who has no respect for anyone else? I just really don't understand what goes through the heads of some people. The thing is, I never know if I should call my great-grandpa out on his crap, or just keep biting my tongue. It's a tough choice.
So my question for you: Will some people just never learn how to have a little tact? What is the best way to deal with obnoxious family members?
I feel like I am becoming the queen of putting her foot in her mouth. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut. I not only end up hurting myself, I hurt those close to me. I've not had the best of luck in my past, but instead of moving on from the shit, I apparently like to wallow in it. I am a very distrusting person, and I hate it. I am missing out on potentially great opportunities because I've got the chains of my past dragging me down. I'm starting to feel like Marley's ghost in A Christmas Carol. However my chains weren't formed by my evil deeds in life, they belong to the ghosts of my past. Every terrible thing someone has done to me adds a new link to the already heavy chains. I can almost feel the cold metal cutting into my skin, and weighing down on the bone. I need to be liberated from the misdoings of others.
I don't know how to break free of these bonds though. Little things remind me of my past and my guard instantly goes up. How can I learn to trust people again if I can't escape the painful memories? I feel like a hamster on a wheel, constantly running, but never really getting anywhere. I like to put out this persona of being a very thick skinned person, but apparently I'm very transparent. I wear my fears, emotions, and ambitions on my sleeve. In some ways I guess this is a good thing, no one wants to be around a person made of armor. But then again, who wants all of their fears to be broadcast for the world to see? Not I. Especially when my fears are so plentiful and painful. I don't want to be this broken shell of who I was prior to getting hurt. I have a lot to offer, but no one can see beyond my chains of a polluted past.
My Question for you, How do I move on from my past? Is it even possible to move on, or do I just have to learn how to carry the chains?
Is it sad that a Britney Spears lyric is relevant to my life right now? "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman." Sure this lyric proves how much of a 90’s child I am, but it's also pretty deep for a cheesy pop song. I've been feeling conflicted about my age and level of maturity.
I'm twenty, but I kind of feel more like I'm 20 going on 16. My parents have kept me pretty sheltered all my life. I was never allowed to go to high school parties, or play at my neighbor's houses when I was little. Everyone had to come to my house so we could be "safe" and supervised. I didn't get my license until I was eighteen. Even now that I'm obviously a legal adult, I still have an 11pm curfew. Sure, I'm living at home and respect my parents, but that feels a bit extreme to me. Actually most of the things my parents have kept me from doing, and forced me to do over the years, feel extreme.
I think that in trying to keep me safe, my parents have stunted my adult growth. I'm more at ease hanging out with my sixteen year old sister than a group of twenty-somethings. I've never been interested in things like drinking, drugs, sex, and partying, but I know most people my age have done them all. On one hand, I feel more mature than people my own age. I am proud of the fact that I'm responsible. On the other hand, I feel younger than I actually am because I have no real life experience.
What is normal for a twenty year old girl these days? I've never even had a job. At the same time, I'm responsible for taking care of my house and younger sister while my parents are working. I'm sitting in the carpool lane at after school pick-ups. I'm doing laundry and helping my sister with her homework while others kids away at college are partying it up in the evenings. I feel very conflicted. I want more freedom so I can act like a normal twenty year old, but I don't want to do dumb things. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd just like the opportunity to show my parents that they didn't raise an idiot, and they have a responsible adult on their hands (not a child).
I don't know how to prove to my parents I'm responsible, since I'm not allowed to do anything. I don't want to grow up to fast, I appreciate my childhood. I'm glad that my parents haven't forced me into working to help pay for things like my car. I'd really like to find a job though, so I can help out on my own free will. I’d also like to drop the curfew. Driving at 10pm is really no different than driving at 2am. I'd like to be able to go out with people and not get grilled about who they are. I want to stop having to text my mom every hour and tell her where I am and who I'm with.
I think my mom is so overprotective because she was never a normal twenty year old. She got married when she was seventeen, and by the time she was twenty she already had a baby, me. She's always been a mom, and her mother wasn't overprotective. If anything, my grandmother was under protective. My parents love me and just want me to be safe and have a better life than they did. I understand that. I just can't understand how I'm supposed to have a better life when I'm not allowed to live my life at all.
My question for you: How can you show your parents that you're not a child anymore? How can you gain freedom the responsible way?
It never ceases to amaze me how sexist the society we live in is. Even in 2012, a lot of people live by and only accept traditional gender roles. These roles say that the woman is a nurturing, emotional, child rearing being, whose place is within the home. On top of this, a woman is expected to keep up her physical appearance, remain fit, and pleasure her husband each night. Men, on the other hand, are still expected to rough and tough, blunt and burly. Men are responsible for bringing home the money, and their only contribution at home is to do yard work. The wife is supposed to make things easy on her breadwinning husband at home.
What I don't understand is the lack of a woman's desires and needs. Why can't a female be the working partner, and her husband be a stay at home dad? When this does happen, society looks at these couples strangely. Or what about the women that chose not to marry or settle down? They are seen as old maids, and lonely cat ladies. A man that remains single is known as playboy, and this isn't questioned in society.
Where are the women in power? We still have never had a female President in the United States. Strong, and empowered women are often called crass and bitchy. Many would say that a woman in power lacks a nurturing heart, and could never be successful and happy. I'm not trying to go on a feminist rant, but that absolutely infuriates me. I have never wanted to depend on a man for my happiness or sense of self worth. I've always known that if I want to make a name for myself someday I'll have to do it on my own. I'm not going to earn my titles on my knees or by riding the coattails of a man.
I feel like there needs to be a push towards presenting independent women positively in our society. Traditions are fine, but they aren't rules. If they were, these would certainly be the ones that need to be broken. I'm not only talking about women now. Men shouldn't always be portrayed and rough and tumble. To me, a real man is someone that's not afraid to show emotion or be vulnerable.
I guess what I'm trying to accomplish with his post is to simply get everyone thinking. Are you passively slipping into these gender roles without even stopping to question them? If so, are you happy with that? We are shaped by our environment to some extent, but if we want to make changes, we can't be afraid of standing out to reshape our environment. Like rules, some molds are meant to be broken. I'm personally ready to end the foolish gender roles being forced down our throats in this society.
I just wanted to make a quick post before the first day of 2012 is over. I have been enjoying a wonderful winter break with my family and friends. I have had many revelations about myself and my life in general. It may seem like I’m constantly writing about some new revelation I’ve had, but honestly, I have one every day. We’re molded by our experiences, and my experiences are shaping me and all my decisions. I’m a terribly indecisive individual, so any form of clarity in my choices seems like a revelation to me.
I’ve made a bit of a to-do list for myself in 2012. I guess it’s my alternative solution to a New Year’s resolution. My to-do list includes:
1) Update this blog more frequently
2) Get back into creating art
3) Laugh every day
4) Be more honest (with myself and others)
5) Appreciate what a beautiful life I have
That’s the short list. I’m pretty much an open book on here, so I figure I can keep some of my goals to myself (at least for now). I hope everyone had a New Years Eve and Day that was half as wonderful as mine. I look forward to sharing my 2012 with you, one blog, picture, poem, and post at a time. Cheers to this new and possibility filled year!
My Question to you: What are some of your goals for the upcoming year?
I think my Sagittarius nature is the source of this post. I am constantly craving freedom. A part of me is afraid to get too attached to anyone or any place. Any time I let myself be vulnerable, I get hurt. When it comes to things like relationships I kind of wish it was possible to spend immense amounts of time with someone and love them; but never actually be in a "relationship." Something about that word alone turns me off and freaks me out. It's like I just need some sort of "out" or exit door. Like an insurance policy for my heart.
In my non-relationship you can do everything two people in a normal relationship would do, and remain totally committed to that one person. You simply wouldn't have that heavy word "relationship" looming overhead. I believe this would be especially beneficial when two people are young. You can care a great deal about someone but you just don't want to be strictly tied to them. Relationships these days seem like death sentences. People take them so seriously and there is often a lot of jealousy involved. Who wants or needs that at a young age? The last thing anyone needs is a ball and chain around their ankle. Is it crazy for me to want to be in a relationship less union with someone? It seems quite rational to me. At least when it comes to protecting my heart. But, is this too much like 500 Days of Summer? When at the end of the day, the person you're "not" dating feels like everything you had together was just a lie? Is someone always bound to get hurt in this situation?
So my question for you: Is it selfish of me to want someones attention and affection without giving them the satisfaction of an actual relationship?
Like most of us, I'm always searching for my purpose in life. I believe we're all born with a gift, or talent. Something that we are given that enables us to change the world for the better, if we realize this gift and actually use it. I've always wondered what my gift was. My mom has always told me that God has big plans for me. I believe God has big plans for all of us, but very few of us actually live out that plan. I've always been curious about this divine plan for my life. I've recently been feeling a bit lost. Lost in this world, lost in my relationships, and lost in my own head. It's extremely frustrating.
After driving myself crazy wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life, things are slowly starting to come into focus. I've always had a very curious mind. I've questioned everything for as long as I can remember. I'm sure I've driven my family and those around me absolutely nuts. I have a restless mind and spirit. I'm fascinated by the world around me. I want to go to as many places as possible, and meet as many people as I can. I believe we all have a story, a history, a message that needs to be heard.
I'm a very outspoken and honest person. Sometimes (a lot of the time) that gets me in trouble. I don't see it as a total weakness though, it's also a strength. I believe my voice can and someday will be used to help others be heard. Ultimately what I've been rambling about is my decision to pursue journalism with all that I have. I think it's a career that will leave me feeling the most fulfilled.
Every aspect of my personality seems to fall perfectly in line with the traits needed to be a successful journalist. I've often wondered if this was the path I was supposed to take, but now it just seems so clear. It's right for me. It's what I need to do. I feel like it will let my voice be heard and the voice of countless others who don't have the ability to speak for themselves.
I'm happy to say that I'm slowly starting to figure things out. This revelation is just one of many that I hope to have. If you're feeling lost, I hope you start to figure things out for yourself as well. It's a wonderful feeling.
My Question to you: What have you been wondering about lately? Have you recently had any revelations in your life?
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.