I’m kind of worried I’m even crazier than I previously thought. Every time I start opening up to someone, or start getting close, I suddenly shut myself off. I numb my entire body; my heart, my head, my senses, they’re all dead. I know I’m simply afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt again, but what’s the use? If I won’t even give anyone a chance of making me happy again, I’ll never be happy. I think I got so sick of playing the victim, I decided to become the villain instead. I wanted to be this callous creature with no emotions, a ruthless beast that takes no prisoners. I just can’t be that callous. I know I’ve already hurt several people in my attempt to protect my heart. What good is a secure heart, if you’ve got to break the hearts of those around you? A secure heart isn’t a content one either. It’s lonely. I’m lonely.
I’m just so scared. I’m scared of getting played again, hurt again, getting my name dragged through the mud, getting my hopes up for a future that never comes to fruition. I’m a fragile person to begin with, like a butterfly. The last time I got close to someone, my wings got crumpled and ripped off. I was left in the grass to fend for myself or die. I didn’t die, but I’m grounded. I’m stuck in this static place that I never wanted to end up in. I’m all about evolving, and that’s the one thing I’ve stopped doing. I feel like I’ve smothered the last threads of hope and life within myself. I don’t want to die, but not moving forward is like a slow, painful suicide.
I just don’t know how to get moving again. Is it even possible to grow a second pair of wings? Before I got hurt, I was this vibrant, inspired, free-spirited, innocent creature. Now I am this tarnished shell of the person I was before. I put up a good front most of the time, and occasionally glimpses of the person I was before make their way to the surface. I know we can’t go back in time, I just want to be more like the person I was before. I miss the old me. I was a girl with so much to offer the world, and now I feel like I have nothing. I suppose I succeeded in a sense, in becoming the villain. Isn’t the Hollywood cliché that the villains are the ones hurt much worse than our leading men and women? Their cruel actions are retaliation for a haunted past. I don’t want to make excuses for how I act, but I feel like there are people I’ve hurt that deserve some explanations.
I know that I’m wounded; I just hope there’s a cure for me. I don’t want to die alone.
Most of us can look up into the night sky and find perfection among the stars. At some point millions or even billions of years ago, we were all simply particles floating amongst the stars. So I love to imagine myself retaining a little bit of that stardust. What's more beautiful than being connected to one of the most naturally beautiful things in existence? I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the writer Oscar Wilde, "We're all in the gutter; but some of us are looking at the stars." Live and love yourself, celestial beings.
I’ve slowly come to realize something about myself; I am completely screwed up in the head. I constantly find myself running away from people and situations that would actually be good or beneficial for me. I run out of pure fear. Opportunities for things like jobs, and relationships come up quite a bit, but I won’t take anyone up on these chances. I think I’m ultimately afraid of failure. I’m scared that I’m not good enough, for anything or anyone. I’m human, and I have flaws, but I don’t think my insecurities are coming from these flaws. My ultimate flaw is probably my brain. I have a very skewed view of myself.
I’d like to sit here and pretend that I know myself inside and out, but I really don’t. I am always putting myself down, and pointing out my own flaws. This pretty much makes me a hypocrite because I’m constantly talking about empowerment and embracing flaws on here. I think I’m really good at accepting others, and their quirks. However, I can’t look in the mirror without finding something wrong with my reflection.
When it comes to relationships, I like to run away before I actually invest all of myself in someone. I do this in hopes of protecting my heart, but I also think there’s a deeper reason. I’m not secure enough in my own skin to feel worthy of another person’s affection; and certainly not for an extended period of time. My friends make fun of me, and I say that I have a six month time limit when it comes to dating someone. Sadly, this is true. My longest relationship to date has been eight months, but I was steadily slipping away by the six month mark.
I say I’m not ready for a relationship, but deep down I kind of want one. I hate the idea of being alone. I don’t want a rebound though, that’s just too unfair for the other person. I’m actively searching for someone that I could potentially fall in love with again. It’s hard for me admit that I love LOVE. The hopeless romantic down inside of me still feels like there’s a chance for me to be happy with another person again.
Before I get myself into another relationship though, I am committed to fixing myself. I don’t mean that I’m going to attempt to fix the flaws I see within myself, I’m going to work on the internal part of me. I have to find a way to accept the person I am. It won’t be easy, but it has to be done. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, you have to love yourself before you can love another person. I’m ready to find love again, so I need to start loving myself.
I have officially decided that I hate winter. This has actually been a relatively warm winter so far, nonetheless, I still despise it. I hate bundling up in layers. I hate wearing pants, and stuffing my feet into fuzzy boots. I hate being pale, and seeing my breath when I'm outside. I hate how my hands turn purple and my nose turns red from the cold. I look like Rudolph's corpse or something. Winter is only good for five things: snow, hot chocolate, my birthday, cuddling, and Christmas.
I am a million times happier in summer. It is my favorite season. You can just do so much more! I don't mind being hot, and sweaty. I love being barefoot, in a pair of cutoff shorts, hair messy, a pair of sunglasses, a loose top, all perfection in my eyes. I look forward to laying out under the stars late into the night. Swimming, hiking, biking, walking, just being outdoors. To me, it just feels like there's so much more to do in summer. I'm never bored. Everything is lush, and full of vibrant colors. I never have to look far for inspiration.
I get so depressed in the winter, so this little rant was a small attempt to perk myself up. Summer is getting closer by the minute. I think the fact that cold weather screws me up so much is just further validation that I need to live somewhere warm and sunny in the future. I'm thinking a small coastal town would be perfect. I'd be perfectly content in a little house right on the ocean. Nothing fancy, just comfy. I can get very stressed, and I always feel the most relaxed by a body of water, with the sun kissing my shoulders. I think I'm a beach bum at heart.
I hope the thoughts of summer warm your soul, and help you make it through this winter a bit easier. Sending summer loving your way! -Lindsey
Why are people so sick and twisted these days? I swear, it seems like people will do whatever they can to hurt people, or make them uncomfortable. Just because you can play with someone's emotions and feelings, it doesn't mean you should. To the sick individual that has completely and utterly confused and hurt me, just stop. Really, stop. I'm still so confused. Everything that was "us" was clearly a lie. So no, we can never get back to "normal". There was never a normal, just your lies. I don't know who you are, or what your motives were or still are. I don't know who I fell in love with, well that's not entirely true, clearly I fell in love with a lie. Start telling the truth, and stop calling yourself by the name I knew "you" as. It's sick.
I've kind of had a bit of a revelation within myself. I'm tired of worrying about everyone but myself. I deserve some recognition. My feelings, needs, and wants deserve attention. After some careful reflection this past week, I've realized I don't need another person to be happy. I'll never be happy until I love myself, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Start loving me. I'm actually kind of happier single, than I ever was in relationships. Relationships are complicated, and messy. I need simplicty right now. I'm going through a lot internally, and I need to focus my attention on straightening up myself. But that doesn't mean I'm going to isolate myself from the world. I've been doing the complete opposite, actually. I've been spending quality time with friends, going on a few dates, and just enjoying being an almost 20 year old with her entire life ahead of her. Life isn't perfect right now, but I'm perfectly fine with that.
Nothing. That's what I've got. Nothing at all. I feel so alone. Isolated. My own thoughts are turning against me. I need some form of clarity. I just don't know how to find it. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this horrible place. I've lost what made me happy. It was my own fault, and I'll never be able to forgive myself. I just hope he can eventually forgive me.
My head has been spinning for days. I have to make a decision. One that I don't feel ready to face. I have so much uncertainty within myself. Within my heart and head. It's like I'm being pulled in two directions, and I'm just waiting to break. Actually, I kind of think I'm already broken. It's like as soon as I think I have everything figured out, life steps in, and knocks me off my feet. I'm just so lost. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. My mind is anything but at peace.
I'm hurting the only person I've ever truly loved, but I'm also hurting myself. I've been taking everyone elses opinions and feelings into account, but I've not had time to just assess my own. I think I know what my gut feeling actually is, but I keep lying to myself because I don't want to believe it. I am so terrifed of being alone. I'm afraid that if I end things the way they are, I'll never be happy again. I'll never find someone that loves me as much and as unconditionally as he did. I don't feel like I even deserve love. I never have, and yet he loved me.
I've always said that if two people are meant to be together, they will be. At some place, and some point in time, things will be as they should. But now I'm not so sure. What if he's my soulmate, but my fickle heart leads me to end things? What if we lose contact, and he hates me forever? Then I'll be forced to walk alone in this world, constantly facing the fact that I let my soulmate walk out the door.
On the other hand, what if we're not soulmates? What if the love we shared was real, but it was never meant to last forever? We could end up settling for one another, leaving our true soulmates to walk the Earth searching for their other half. Then we're sitting here, comfortable, but never fully content. I am just so lost.
A big part of me wants him to fight for me. Chase after me, make me realize exactly what I'd be losing if I said goodbye. But no, he's not chasing me. It's like he's running from me. Leaving me to make the decision of OUR fate all on my own. That doesn't seem fair. I've been slipping away for a while, but it just never felt like he tried to pull me back. He said I hurt him, but he never showed it. I'm not a mind reader, and I need someone that's going to be strong and say just what they're feeling. Put me in my place. Not just lay down and take it.
I put up a front, and pretend like I'm all metal and ice, but I'm not that tough. I need someone that's stronger than me, emotionally. Someone that knows exactly who they are, and what they want. Someone that can help me find myself. I'm such a fragile person, but I've been lying to myself. I've been pretending I'm something that I'm not: strong. I don't think I'll ever make a decision unless I get some feedback. Fight to keep me, or tell me you're ready to find someone easier to handle. Just say something. Please.
I believe I've just ruined what was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think sometimes I have that whole "the grass is always greener. . ." thought. But now that I'm on the otherside, looking back at what I had. I realize I'm an idiot. I get prideful and selfish. I want people all to myself, and when I can't have that, I get angry and throw temper tantrums like a little child. I also let heresay influence my decisions, when I should really just listen to the source. I'm scared I really can't fix this screwup because I've literally lost my superglue. The person that has sworn from the beginning to be by side, and hold me together when I'm broken. They kept up their side of the bargain. Why couldn't I?
I've been sick, and not been able to sleep all night. Now I know what it's like to literally go crazy. The worst part is that I have a feeling this person isn't going to talk to me again. I have so much to say, and apologize for. Now that I've lost this person, I realize that I need them more than they need me. I've always been a broken and scattered person. When we were alone, and things were as they should have been, they were perfect. I always felt safe, secure, and loved. The things I always wanted. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I do know that I'm stupid, and I've really screwed things up for myself. Even if I'm forgiven, I fear that what I've done will never be forgotten. Which means things will never be the same. I'm just in a really dark place right now. I'm scared.
They say absense makes the heart grow fonder, but I don't agree. I believe absense is the seed that gets planted within us and grows into terrible things. Things like fear, doubt, and tension. Can two people ever really trust eachother when they're so far apart? Not just in body, but mentally and spiritually as well. Something can start out as so beautiful and innocent, but once distance gets thrown into the mix, things slowly deteriorate. Maybe distance works for some people. However, I've quickly realized I'm not one of those people.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.