As I sit before this computer, watching the steam roll over the rim of my coffee cup, I realize that I'm exactly where I was at the beginning of the summer. I'm residing comfortably in my family home; I'm staring at the same walls I've encountered for twenty-one years. There is nothing wrong with this house, however, this is not where I pictured myself being a few months ago.
When I last posted, back in May, I thought I had everything figured out. My future was laid before me, in fact, I laid it there myself. I was going to be going away to school, begin working on a Bachelor's degree, have my own apartment, and get my first real job. Everything was going according to schedule by mid-August. I had an apartment all lined up. My class schedule was made. I was ready to become an adult. Only, I wasn't. The night before I was supposed to go sign my lease, and two days before classes started, I had a full blown panic attack. I would call it a mental breakdown of sorts, but I believe a mental implosion seems more accurate.
I ended up locking myself into a bathroom in the back of my house. For a long time no one searched for me; which was great, I wanted to be alone. I was curled up in this tightly wound ball, pressed into a corner of the room. Wedged between a rack of magazines and a toilet, I wrapped myself up as tightly as I could. I clung desperately to myself as my world spiraled out of control around me. I've suffered from panic attacks and anxiety disorders my entire life; but this was one of the worst episodes I had ever experienced. If you don't know anything about panic attacks (you blissfully ignorant bastard, you) they feel like you're having a heart-attack, epileptic seizure, and an asthma attack, all while being stabbed repeatedly and punched in the gut. If that sounds a bit dramatic, have a panic attack, and then get back to me.
Now, I know that any "normal" person would be nervous about moving out of their family home and starting a life on their own, but my fear was only heightened by my pre-existing anxiety disorder. Perhaps I should have seen this episode coming. Looking back, I dropped hints to everyone around me, myself included, that I was not ready to go, and that I was scared of what would happen if I did, in fact, leave. Furthermore, I've said I never wanted to attend the school that I was planning to go to this August, for as long as I can remember. So, you're probably asking youself, why in the world did I still plan on forcing myself to go to a school I didn't want to be at; and why did I still plan on moving out when all signs were pointed towards the fact that I wasn't ready?
Since I already sound like a completely unstable person, I might as well be totally upfront about all of my mental quirks. One of the perks of having severe anxiety, in my case, is that it is so often accompanied by depression. My entire life, I've battled this demon, anxiety. This demon likes to plan its attacks in waves. I can go months and keep my anxiety level low, and not have any panic attacks. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, (stress and change seem to be the biggest triggers for my anxiety, however anything can set it off) Boom! I can't control or supress my anxiety. When your entire world feels like it's out of your hands, life can seem pretty bleak. When my anxiety is at its worst, so is my depression.
Only very recently, because of some serious self-reflection, have I noticed my pattern. If I were to create a diagram of sorts, it would probably look something like this:
If you would, kindly ignore the ghetto-ness of the graphic, I just made it in five seconds. But it's a pretty accurate representation of what I go through. All of my issues stem from my anxiety. When I can't control my emotions, I get depressed because I desperately want to be like everyone else. I want to have control over my body. It's supposed to be MINE. But my short-circuted brain is like a hijacker, who controls my every move. When I'm depressed, and feeling hopeless, I feel the need for some sort of self-control. This desire to have some form of stabilty and self-control leads me down a road of eating disorders. It's this mentality of: If I can't control how my body reacts to my environment, and I can't make myself feel happier, I can damn sure control what food, and how much food I put into my body. It's a vicious cycle.
All too often , I feel like I'm war with myself. There's one side of me that is terrifically ambitious, bubbly, smart, and carefree. Then there's this darker side, that feels completely at odds with the world. This dark side wants to simply give up, and give in to it's demon. This is the side that was curled up in a ball, locked away in a bathroom. This side wanted to lay in the floor, and quietly die, so it wouldn't have to fight and feel so much internal pain and conflict. Luckily, this side didn't win, not yet. Isn't it funny, how even in the darkest of times, it's simply human nature to fight a bit harder and cling to every last remnant of hope?
Eventually, my sister came to my rescue (as she has my entire life). I won't share what she said to me, because there are some things that should remain private. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I should not sign the lease and that I should not force myself to attend school this Fall. I think I was so determined to overcome my anxiety, and force myself to be like all of my friends and peers, who are starting their Senior year of college, that I lost sight of what I really wanted and needed.
When I decided to back out of everything I had spent years working towards, I sealed my fate. I don't know how much stock I put into things like destiny and fate, but for the sake of explanation, I'll say that I believe we are all given two paths in life. Neither path is better than the other, they simply take us on different journeys. I have decided to take the longer journey of the two. I don't know where it will lead, but I do know where it will start: with healing. This Summer has been the most core-shaking, life-altering experience of my life, thus far. For the time being, my focus is entirely on gaining control over my mind and body. I don't know how I will gain this control (but I'll keep you posted).
I'm tired of trying to be like everyone else. I think that was the main problem I faced this Summer. The ambitious and driven side of me desperately wanted to fall into the same category as my friends: college student at the inception of their future. That's a remarkable journey to be on, however it's not my journey; not at this time. I have this sinking suspicion that if I had forced myself down that path, I would not have made it to the end (you can draw your own inference on what exactly I mean by that).
So here I sit, with a now empty cup of coffee before me, and a prescription for healing and self-growth. I would greatly appreciate it if you would ignore all of the spelling and grammatical mistakes this post is certainly riddled with. I typed this entire thing out in one go, kind of like a stream of consciousness. I just needed to get my feelings down and out of my body. Also, if you could, refrain from judging me. We all have our own demons to fight, and I am trying to be brave and share mine with others. I'm taking my first steps down this road today, who's coming with me?
With Summer just beginning, I've decided to make some changes in my life. I feel like the start of a new season is the perfect start to a new lifestyle. I'm so tired of living my life at half capacity. I want to live each day to the fullest. I often find myself setting goals for myself and I never follow through with them. I get off to a great start, but I become quickly discouraged, stop working towards my goal, and eventually set a new goal for myself; then the cycle begins all over again.
For once in my life, I want to finish something. I want to see a goal through from start to finish. My lack of commitment to things is quite troublesome; especially when I can't even commit to my own well-being or happiness. This summer, I am determined to make some major changes in my life. I want to completely flip my life on it's head. I have set many goals for myself. They are as follows:
I will learn how to value myself and those close to me. Instead of being flaky and noncommittal, I will apply myself and work on strengthening relationships I have let slip away. I will focus on my mental, emotional, and physical health like never before. For me, this Summer will be all about strength. Finding the strength to push myself farther than I ever have before. I want to work on being more self-sufficient, so I will find and keep a a job for once in my life. I will learn how to enjoy solitude and find the beauty in being alone. There is nothing pathetic about solitude, and I will remind myself of this daily. I am enough; just as I am in this very moment. Flaws and all, I am worthy of love. I will love myself fully and accept who I am. I will find inner peace and happiness.
The goals I have set for myself will be tough to keep, however, I know I must keep them. For once in my life, I'm doing something completely for myself. These goals do not have shallow reasons behind them; these goals come from the deepest recesses of my soul. I have been starving myself for many years. I want to nourish my spirit, and illuminate the inner light I have been allowing to dim. I will become self-actualized and hopefully fill the gap I have been trying to patch with superfluous things.
I will try to keep my blog updated with my progress. There will be triumphs and pitfalls, I'm sure. That's life though, isn't it? The path to any goal is never a straight line. I've laced up my boots and slipped on my trooper pants, I'm ready for this journey. I've needed this adventure. A part of me thinks I've been needing it my entire life, I simply wasn't prepared for it until this very moment. The season is changing, and so is my soul.
I'm very much aware of the fact that I have been failing miserably when it comes to keeping this blog updated. I could list a million different excuses, but an excuse does not create an interesting post. There have been so many things that I could have easily shared on here over the past couple of months. A lot of changes have been going on in my life.
I have finally gotten things squared away at the university I will be attending in the Fall. This sounds like a positive thing, but it's really not all that thrilling for me. I'm ending up at the school I least wanted to attend, in one of my least favorite areas. I got accepted to the school of my dreams, but after visiting the campus, I knew it wasn't the place for me. After much internal conflict, I finally settled on a school close to home, that at least has a few of my friends. I keep telling myself that I only have to survive for a year, and if I hate it I can just transfer to another school. It's nice to have options, but at the same time it just sucks altogether, because I'm not in the place I wanted to be physically or mentally. I had a plan for myself, and a goal, and I feel like a failure now that things aren't going as I envisioned them. I shouldn't be surprised though, I've accepted the fact that I have anti-luck. I like to call this anti-luck "Fuck" (affectionately, of course.)
When I broke up with my last boyfriend back in February, I thought all of these new doors would open for me. I thought there might be potential in rekindling an old flame, the only flame I've ever felt that warmed my heart enough to feel like real love. I rekindled some communication, which is lovely, but there is no hope at all in starting a new relationship. As soon as we started getting comfortable with each other again, he tells me that he's going to be in another state all summer. Long distance fire starting sounds like so much fun, eh? Nope. Fuck strikes again!
I know that it was naive of me to think there was a possibility of falling in love with my first love all over again, but sometimes my optimism gets the better of me. Once my initial hope for love was dashed, I set my sights on another potential love connection. In my mind, this guy is beyond perfect for me, hell, he's practically me with a penis! We've known each other for a few years, and we have incredible conversations. The only thing (well, one of the only downfalls, there's a laundry list) is that we rarely ever see one another. We have amazing and intimate conversations over the phone, and when we are together in person, it never feels awkward. It feels perfect. I don't really know why we hardly ever get together. I guess since he's so much like me, he has a flaky gene (one of my pitfalls, I'll admit it). Two flakes do not make dates very well.
That's another problem though, dates. I can never tell if we're on one. I can't read this guy at all. Am I friendzoned? Is he checking me out? Do I sound stupid? Do I sound smart? Does he like me? Am I just a bootycall? It is so infuriating not knowing where I stand with this guy! The unknown isn't even the ultimate tragedy of this situation. Fuck is at it again!
The relationship problems really aren't my main problems. Hell, the school situation isn't even my main problem. They're just like little cherries on top of this horrible ice cream sundae I've been building for a while. All of the little stresses in my life have been adding up and all of this pressure is reawakening some of my old demons. Depression, anxiety and eating disorders, to be exact. I've been trying insanely hard to get a grip on my issues so I can control them better, but my grasp is slipping. I'm getting weaker by the minute. I'm so scared that I'm going to let go and have a mental breakdown like I did a few years ago. My depression and anxiety only seem to fuel my issues with food. I don't think I can physically handle losing or gaining insane amounts of weight again. It just feels like I'm constantly on a roller coaster. My mood is up one moment and down the next. I'm calm around one corner and having a panic attack around the next. I can keep my eating habits under control for a week or so, then it shifts. I'm starving myself one day and binge eating the next. I'm scrambling to find balance, but nothing is working.
I slacked on blogging for a while, but I've been maintaining a journal in my absence. I thought that having all of my thoughts in one, private place could help me keep things under control. I thought the privacy could alleviate some of the pressure I put on myself and the pressure that I feel from society. I've been working really hard with yoga and Pilates. I thought the exercise could quell some of my fears about weight gain and the yoga would strengthen my mind, body, and soul. It has to be helping, but it's not doing as great of a job as I had originally hoped. I don't know what I need in my life in order to find true balance; I just hope I can find it soon.
Love. It's the one thing we all seek out in life. Whether it's romantic, familial, or spiritual, we all crave it. It's like a drug. Society treats love like the most fantastic thing ever, but in reality, it's one of the most terrifying things we'll ever come in contact with.
Before you call me crazy, think about it. Love, of every kind, makes us our most vulnerable. When we're in love, real love, all of our guards are down. We've let someone or something into the most private part of our being: our heart. Once someone is allowed in, they're never really able to leave. A piece of them always remains within us, and becomes a part of us.
In order for love to be meaningful, it has to be risky. There's the always impending doom of loss that accompanies love. It doesn't matter how we end up losing the thing that we love, regardless, it's the most painful experience we'll ever have to endure. We can distract ourselves from the loss on occasion, but we'll always end up being reminded of it somehow. The reminder can hurt more than the initial loss. Because the shock has worn off, reality has set in, the person or thing that you loved is gone; and in most cases, it's gone forever.
Even though there is so much at stake when it comes to love, we all do it. At one point or another, every single one of us will love. That love may be brief or everlasting. No matter it's duration, eventually it will leave us. Are we all just insane? We open our hearts up even though we know that eventually a piece of us will be ripped away.
I guess that ever-present loss gives our love value. Gives that love a purpose. Life wouldn't be worth living without risk. Life would be meaningless with out love. If we were allowed to keep the things we loved forever, we would lose sight of their value. It's human nature to become greedy. We all are greedy with those we love. When it comes time for our love to leave us, we fight it with all of our being. We reject it and pretend it's not real. Eventually we come to terms with it, but on occasion we're reminded of our loss.
That reminder tears us up inside, but at the same time, that pain is comforting. That pain means that our love was real. That pain means that we're still here, and we have time to share what remains of our heart with others. I think that's the real purpose of life, to open our hearts as much as possible. The more open and generous we are with our hearts, the more pain we'll have to endure. But that pain is always preceded with love. And love makes everything worth while.
If your love crashed and burned on it's maiden voyage, are you doomed to go down with the ship a second time around? Or, can you salvage your shipwreck and sail into the sunset? Is love a one shot thing, or can you love, lose, and then love again?
Is time capable of healing old wounds? Or will they eventually resurface, most likely with the worst timing? If you loved someone once, it makes sense that you could love them again. Right? Maybe that's just wishful thinking. Do we ever really change enough to make old problems in a relationship obsolete? They say if you love something you should let it go and if it comes back, then you'll know. But what if you don't know at all? What if some people are better left in our pasts, no matter how much we loved them at one point. The trick is in determining who to leave behind and who to throw a life preserver to. Sometimes it feels like we're all sinking on the ship named LOVE. Is it best to go down on your own, or flailing into the arms of another?
Why does love have to be the most complex thing in existence? And why do we all crave it like cocaine? If I'm going down with this ship, I want to make sure I drown quickly alone; or tread water with someone else, at least long enough to catch glimpse what makes love worth all the pain.
Does Ex mark the spot on our maps, or is it best to seek out a new treasure?
I believe I'm quickly becoming one of the most cynical people ever. That fact scares me to death. I used to be the most optimistic person ever. Nothing could break my undying optimism. Currently, I'm killing every ounce of optimism left inside my body.
I wish I could hit the reset button on my life. Go back a couple of months, when things seemed so different. My life wasn't being held together my cheap duct tape and a prayer. Currently, my life is a perfect example of Murphy's Law. It feels like I can not win for losing. As soon as I think I'm conquering some of the obstacles standing in my way, fifty more fall in my path. It's like this screwed up game of Tetris. I'm trying to find time and a place for everything that's crashing down on me, but I feel like I'm about to reach the edge of the screen. Game Over.
When I find myself in these frustrating situations, I fall apart. I put up a good fight for a while, but eventually it all catches up to me. My anxiety and depression become almost too much to endure. I can't sleep well. I start criticizing myself and my issues with food resurface. I lose all faith in myself and my abilities. When it rains, it pours. It's like I'm drowning in a puddle, hoping someone will throw me a life preserver; but no one can see me. I bottle things up inside; so no one can hear my cries for help. It's a scary thing to be consumed by your own demons.
I just wish I had a solution for all of my issues. Or I at least wish I could take a moment to pause and collect myself. But life keeps moving in fast forward and I'm standing still. Sinking.
Is there any hope; a light at the end of this overwhelming tunnel?
Sometimes I find myself insanely depressed for no apparent reason. I hate it (I'm sure no one loves depression, though). I just really hate it because it seems like I have a lot going for me; at least on the surface. I have great friends, and a great family. I'm healthy and well educated. I just feel disconnected sometimes. From those around me and myself.
I don't think I'm bipolar or suffering from some bizarre mental illness, but I can't put my finger on what makes me feel so melancholy. I never feel like I fully fit in anywhere I'm at. Not many people get me or my sense of humor. Not even my family. (I'm excluding my sister, because I swear she's the only person who knows me. In fact, I think she knows me better than I know myself.) But overall, there's a strange void between me and everyone else. Even with my best friends, there's still this unspoken disconnection. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels it, but it's certainly there, regardless.
I feel so separated from the place I live in. I've just never been comfortable here. I mean, North Carolina is beautiful, but it has just never felt like home. I wish I knew where my true home was. They say home is where the heart is, but I really have no clue to where or to whom my heart belongs. When I get into these bouts of depression, my judgement becomes flawed. I become so disinterested in everything. My goals become hazy and I feel like I'm just existing. It's like I'm a ghost inside my own body. It's a chilling feeling. These traits are just so far removed from my typical personality.
I've been so overwhelmed with looking for a new car, trying to get college applications together, maintaining the house for my family, looking for a job, and the list goes on. I guess sometimes when things get so crazy and intense, I just mentally remove myself from them. When this happens though, almost immediately the depression follows. And to top it all off, insomnia is also a side effect. So I'm not only sad and overwhelmed, I'm functioning on very little sleep.
In those hours when I'm laying in my bed, in the dark, everything seems so desolate. Those are the times when I feel the most alone. It's like the rest of the world is sleeping peacefully or going on about their day, and there I am. Unmoving, unproductive, unhappy. At least when you sleep, you can escape the stresses of your day, no matter how awful it was. But when you can't sleep, you're forced to confront everything that is bothering you. All of the little things are projected onto your eyelids and you're forced to watch your misery replay over and over again.
I just feel like I need an escape. Or a shovel so I dig myself out of this miserable hole. I don't know how much longer I can function like this. I wish I could just pack a bag tonight and hop on a plane or train. I just want to get out of here, and out of my own head for a while. I want to find someplace that feels like home. Who knows, maybe my home is the road itself? I've always been really terrible at sticking with things for any extended period of time; maybe my hometown is well past it's expiration date.
Sorry for such a depressing post today, I just needed to vent. Hopefully you're doing better than I am right now.
Being honest is tough for most people. There are some aspects of ourselves that we wish could stay hidden. No one is perfect; and that desire to preserve some anonymity in this very public world is understandable. Sadly, some people take this to an extreme.
I'm pretty sure most of us have watched or heard of the documentary "Catfish" or have seen the MTV spin-off show it inspired. It's about people pretending to be someone or something they're not online. These lies are often created in the hope of making someone fall in love with this fake persona. It's shocking how many people this has happened to and is happening to right now. I've never been able to admit this before, and only one other person knows this, but I was Catfished by someone. This wasn't a recent occurrence, however, it has affected almost every aspect of my life for years.
A online friendship turned into this enormous web of emotions and lies. I ended up falling for a fake person, hook, line and sinker. When I found out that I was being lied to for so long, I didn't even know what to do with myself. When this happens to you, you feel so many emotions all at once. There's the initial shock, but the aftershock is what really gets to you. You end up feeling embarrassed, ashamed, used, violated and worthless. Someone you don't know at all, broke into the most sacred aspect of your being. A complete stranger made their way into your heart and corrupted it with their vile lies. Those lies are like a virus that starts out small, but ends up attacking all the healthy cells in your body. These lies drain you, and even after the liar has left your life, they're still in your body. You constantly feel like at any moment, they could return; and you could once again be infected.
This fear consumes you. Even if you try to move on, the paranoia still lingers. After my Catfish ordeal, my entire life changed. Even though the liar was gone for good, there was this disgusting residue of them that permeated into every pore of my body. My real relationships were greatly affected, and not for the good. Looking back now, I can see that. I ruined the only real shot at love I ever had, because I was afraid to get close to someone. I was scared that if I opened myself up to another person, it would once again blow up in my face, and I would be hurt again.
I broke up with the only person I've ever actually loved because I was scared that they'd end up hurting me. The reason I gave them for breaking up was "I need to find myself." That wasn't really a lie, because I did feel lost. I felt trapped inside my own body. But the main reason for this breakup was fear. I'd rather be alone and miserable, than give myself completely to someone and end up broken again. When I ended this relationship, I feel like I was right on the cusp of falling completely, headlong, no turning back in love. I mean I already loved that person, but I was almost to the point of giving myself completely to them. Offering up every ounce me that I had guarded. When I realized that I was about to fall, I panicked. That virus of hurt and distrust made it's way into my heart. So instead of making myself completely vulnerable, I shut down. And closed the chapter of my life that could have turned into the most perfect of novels.
Since then, I've stumbled through broken and meaningless relationships. I guess I was trying to fill the void I created when I let go of the person who had been holding me together. But I'm done with that now. I'm tired of letting someone who I never even knew, ruin what should be the best times of my life. I'm going to step into the fire, and burn every remnant of this virus from my body. Then I will emerge from these ashes, stronger than I ever was before. I may never find someone who I loved as much as the person I let go, but I think I'm okay with that. I at least got to experience real love for a short time. If there's anything good that could come from this, I hope it's that I can help at least one person, somewhere.
If you've been Catfished, you're not alone. And if you are a Catfish, maybe reading this will open your eyes. Sure, lying to someone online is going to hurt that person; but ultimately, you're hurting yourself the most. If you can make someone fall for a fake person, that you've created, why wouldn't someone fall for the real you? You deserve someone who will love you for you, not the gorgeous model you're pretending to be online. We're all worthy of something real and honest. Don't fall into this web of lies, because eventually, you're going to get stuck with no way out. If you care about someone, let them know, and let it come from the real you. Life is too short for lies.
Be yourself, and know that YOU are enough.
I believe in soul mates. And I believe that two souls could be destined to dance infinity through time and space together. I believe our souls are made up of fragments of energy that have existed since the beginning of the universes. Pieces of my soul, and pieces of your soul, have belonged to an infinite number of people, places, and things. That's why we have an affinity for certain objects and locations; even if we've never been there or held that object. I believe the same goes for people.
What if a piece of my soul was once connected to a piece of yours? Would these pieces not be drawn to one another? I would think so. Maybe the whole purpose of life is to rebuild the original soul of the universe. Like we're all pieces of a giant Rubik cube, shifting, flipping, turning, twisting, trying to come back together the way were intended to.
Maybe there is a God. Or was. Maybe God was this original soul, that broke up into infinite pieces, so that we could Exist. Create. Feel. Love. And ultimately come back together. Stronger than before, because we knew what it was like to be scattered and in disarray. We all carry a piece of God in us. Our job is to protect it and connect it with as many others as we possibly can during our brief existence.
Today, we're so self-centered. I believe we need to be soul-centered. That's why I want to travel; I want to connect with as many people and places as I possibly can. I believe this will strengthen my soul. That's also the main reason I write, and have this blog. I want to reach people. Bond with people even if I'm not physically with them. I want to strengthen the souls of as many people as I possibly can. I believe that's my calling in life. I think it's really all of our callings; sadly too many people ignore it.
So my challenge to you is: answer your true calling. Connect with people. Connect with yourself and tune into your soul.
Sitting here, after a night of restless sleep, covered in crumbs from the fifty Oreos I just scarfed down, I realized something. I'm tired of dwelling on my past. I'm tired of making myself a prisoner in my own mind. Instead of moving on with my life, making new memories, and enjoying this brief flash that is life, I've been dwindling into oblivion.
Sure, sometimes it's good to reflect on the past. I mean, the past is what brought us to where we are at this very moment. It has shaped and molded our every thought and action. The past is a part of us. However, it's not all of us. We are not our pasts. We are the present. We are the now. Do you like where you are in this moment? Can you accept who you are in this very instance? If not, change it. That first minute in which you began reading this, is now the past.
Why do we complain about our pasts and our situations instead of doing something to change them? I don't want to live a complacent life anymore. Instead of dwelling on lost love and missed opportunities, I want to focus on finding new love and creating new opportunities. These things wont come to us; we must actively seek the things we want in our lives. Furthermore, we need to seek the things that we honestly need in our lives at this moment.
I might want to win back a lost love, but maybe that's not what I need right now. I'm at a crucial, transitioning moment in my life's timeline. I don't have a lot right now. In fact, I pretty much have a blank slate. I wrecked my brand new car, cut ties with people who were dragging me down, finished earning my associates degree, and I don't have a job. I really don't have anything to my name at the moment, except for my name alone. But I see some beauty in this emptiness. There's infinite possibility in this nothingness.
Today, I have the chance to find a new car; and while I don't have one, I can appreciate what it means to have the freedom that a vehicle provides. I'm completely single, and I only have relationships with my true friends. Not the people you occasionally say hi to, the people who would lay their lives down for me. I have my associates degree now, and I know that I want to further my education. Not taking any classes this semester has shown me how deep my passion for knowledge is. I would complain endlessly about going to class, but now that I can't go, I miss it. So I'm applying to a bunch of universities and planning on working for my bachelors degree in the fall. Being 21, and unemployed makes me feel pretty worthless. I want to prove to my family and myself that I am independent. I want to start earning my own money, and being responsible for more things. In this moment, I have nothing. But in this moment, I'm also working towards everything. I'm laying the foundation for my future.
It's like standing on the edge of a giant canyon, and the only move you can make is forward. Forward will feel like falling, but on the decent, you have time to build a safety net. Something to land on when you've finished the fall. I'm trying to build one of those cartoon-ish springs that will propel me up and over the canon altogether as soon as I land on it. I don't want to take this leap and land on my ass. I'm ready to start my life. My new life. The life I have always dreamed of. Full of adventure, new people, new places, new ideas, and a new me.
We can't skip over all the muck that exists in the present and land in the future. But we can wipe off the sediment and rot of our pasts. We don't need more things weighing us down in this moment.
This moment is your life. Make it worth living.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.