Are there some things about yourself that you absolutely cannot stand? I don't really like using the word "hate", but sometimes I have days where I hate myself. I'm a very critical person, and I'm extremely self-conscious. I can usually hide these things pretty well, but they are almost constantly eating away at me on the inside. I sometimes catch myself staring at a mirror and hating the face and body reflected back at me. I know I shouldn't do this, but it's like I can't help it at times.
I'm always incredibly worried about my weight. I've grown up in a family that is pretty much 99% obese. I've constantly heard family members complaining about their weights, discussing the latest diets they are on, and watching them count their calories. I look at these people, and I'm terrified that one day I will become exactly like them: overweight and unhappy. I'm already halfway there, so what's going to stop me from grabbing a bag of Doritos and going all the way?
Freshman year of High School I believe I was boarderline anorexic. I restricted the amount of food I ate to crazy extremes. I wouldn't eat lunch at school, and my friends even started worrying about me. They would constantly try to get me to eat. It drove me crazy, I wanted to just fade into the background while I watched my waist wither away. Even though I hated the fact that they were nagging me about eating, today I look back on it and I'm thankful that I have such caring friends. They eventually got me to start eating (Even though for a while I was just doing it to get them to shut up).
Like I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to dwell on things. I even like to dwell on stuff like my love handles and leg fat. I still catch myself going on exercise benders, I restrict what I eat at times, and sometimes I binge on food. I even go on these kicks where I won't let myself indulge on anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate all of these things about myself. I hate the fact that I can't accept my body.
The sad part is, I don't only obsess over my weight. I am extremely self-conscious about my skin. I can thank my genetics for my predisposition to acne I suppose. I have literally tried every face wash, cream, toner, and homemade remedy out there to clear up my skin. I'm not going to act like I have the worst acne in the world, but when it's on my face I feel like that's all people can see. I hate going out in public when my face breaks out. I turn into a complete shut-in.
I know it's normal for everyone to have days where they just don't feel their most attractive, or skinniest, but I feel like most days of my life are spent obsessing over my body and how much I dislike it. I constantly have people telling me how skinny, and pretty I am, but these words mean nothing to me. They wont mean anything to me until I can say them to myself and believe them. I am my own worst critic. It sucks that I hurt myself more than other people do though.
I'm really trying to fix my self-confidence issues. It's a constant battle. I feel like I'm arguing with myself all the time. It's like I'm going mad in some ways. The strange thing is, even though I am horrible to myself, I can find the beauty in everyone else around me. I tell people that they are beautiful and unique all the time, but I can't practice what I preach. I just wish that one day I can look in a mirror, and instead of seeing flaws, I can see beauty.
Challenge Yourself: This is a challenge for myself and all of you, find something to love about yourself. Even if it's just one thing, that's a step in the right direction to accepting who we are.
Have you ever wondered if the person that faces the world each and every day is the real you? I know this sounds absolutely mad, but think about it for a second. Most of us (especially girls) take X amount of time just to get ready before we leave the house. Most of us work for money so we can buy things we want, and think we need. We spend time with the same select few people day after day. I wonder, who are we trying to impress?
If you stripped me down to a bare face, my natural hair, a simple white tee shirt, and stuck me in a white room, I wonder if I would seem half as interesting as I do on a regular basis? They say the clothes make the man. I don't really agree with this statement, however I can see some truth in it. If I was stripped down to the bare essentials, I think my self-confidence would take a direct hit. I don't think I would be nearly as bubbly, goofy, or outspoken as I tend to be. I think it's dumb for me to be that way, but I'm just being honest. I believe the clothes we wear, how we style our hair, what makeup we slather on our faces, who we hang out with, are all just outward projections of who we wish we were on the inside. We dress for how we want to be perceived.
I guess where I'm going with all of this is the fact that I wish I could be more confident in my own skin. I've recently starting wearing far less makeup, and trying to wear my hair naturally as much as possible. That doesn't sound like a whole lot, but I'm taking baby steps to feel confident without all the bells and whistles. I believe we all should start taking steps to feel more confident in our own skin. Looks only get you so far in this world, and material things always have an expiration date.
So I Challenge You to: Remove some of your adornments before facing the world today. Embrace your natural beauty. We're all unique, share what's uniquely you with the world.
So it's almost been a month since I last posted a blog. Clearly this is waaaay too long to go without an update. So I'm updating you all now! I have been very busy lately, even though it's summer. Crazy, right? I've been having lots of fun though. I'm spending lots of time with all the people I love. I've seen my friends and family a lot lately, and it is so wonderful! Even though there has been a lot of happiness in my life, it is so true that you have to take the good with the bad. On May 31, my life was forever changed.
A boy I graduated from high school with, and knew quite well, passed away in a tragic accident. He was in the middle of target practice at a friend of mines house, when the shotgun he was reloading misfired. This ended in a shotgun wound to the chest. He passed away in the hospital shortly after this happened. He was only nineteen.
Death is always a scary thing. In fact, it's always been the one thing I'm truely afraid of. You can throw a spider or snake on me, no problem. But ask me to walk around a cemetary or attend a funeral, and you should expect a fight. I just don't like dealing with the fact that this life has an end. Then once it's over, your body is left to rot in the ground, or your ashes end up sitting on someone's mantel or they're tossed out into oblivion. If you believe in an afterlife, this probably doesn't sound so bad. You can rejoice in the fact that your soul lives on. But me, I believe in an afterlife, and the fact that my soul lives on really doesn't comfort me.
It's like I can't imagine not living. Even though it's an earthly life full of suffering and evil, it's life to me. I don't want to give it up, even if I'm trading in my earthly body for something better. Maybe I'm just being selfish and absurd. Regardless, I still don't like facing my own mortality. Well, I really don't like facing the mortality of people at all. Everytime someone dies, I'm reminded that my days on this earth are numbered.
On one side, this fact makes me appreciate my time and my life more. It's the whole "Live like you're dying" thing. I believe everyone should live each day like it is your very last. But this is always easier said than done, which scares me. I start thinking about things like what if today is my last day on earth? What do I have to show for myself? Was my time on earth wasted? Am I worthless? I want to do so much in this lifetime, for myself and for those around me, but it's like I never really know where or how to start.
They say your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. I want my life to be worth watching. I don't want to have feelings of what if? and could have, should have, would have when my time draws to an end. I want to live each day to the fullest. I know I'll fail on many occasions, but on the days when I don't fail, I want to really succeed. I want to make a change in this world for the better. I don't know how I'll do it yet, but I'm determined to do it. I just hope I'm granted enough time on this planet to actually make this change happen.
So I challenge you to: Make your life worth watching, if it really does flash before your eyes, at the end.
Have you ever had something that you need to get off your chest, but you just absolutely cannot? When you love someone, I really think it should be your mission to let this person know just how important they are to you. It hurts like hell when things go left unsaid between two people. We lose contact and means of communication with certain people for many different reasons. No matter what the reason is, you should strive to fix the miscommunication, or be forced to live with regret forever.
Sometimes an argument drives a wedge between two people, and it seems like that wound will never heal. In an argument, I will fight to the bitter end. But once it's over, I'm ready to forgive and forget. I wish everyone was like this. Grudges don't solve anything. I can't imagine a fight so bad that it separates two people for good. But it happens. It's terrible, and it's real. An argument, to me, should be about getting all of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions out in the open, and dealing with them. Hurting someone you care about should not be the goal or result of an argument. What if those hurtful things were the absolute last things you got to say to a person?
Death is a painful thing, and it hurts even more when you feel like things were left unsaid. I lost my Grandpa to cancer over a year ago. I loved him so much, and we were very close. When he was fighting the cancer towards the end of his life, I was in a relationship. A stupid, and meaningless little high school relationship. I live with regret every day of my life because I chose spending time with my boyfriend over my dying Grandpa. I was so wrapped up in myself and this relationship, that I was blind to what was really important. I thought I was in love with this guy, but I didn't know what love was. Looking back, I now see what love is and was. My Grandpa had lung cancer, and towards the end he lost the ability to speak. The very last, clear words he said to me were "I love you with my whole heart." I know he did, which is why I disgust myself with how little time I spent around him in the end. I think I was afraid of dealing with the fact that I was losing my Grandpa, so I wrapped myself up in this relationship to hide from reality. The reality is that I lost precious time with someone I loved because I was afraid.
I know we're all afraid at one point or another, but life requires us to be strong, and get over our fears. If you truely love someone, you shouldn't waste a second being angry, or afraid to tell them how you feel. Lately I have been struggling with some feelings and confusion. I have been dying to talk to someone that I lost communication with about a month ago. I really love and care about this person, and not speaking to them is really hurting me. We ended all communication in probably the dumbest way ever. I feel like there is so much left to be said, but I can't contact this person. They have made themselves impossible to get in touch with. That fact alone hurts me. At one point we promised to never hurt one another, but it happened. I want to fix it, but I don't know how. I feel very helpless, and afraid that I have really lost this person forever.
Maybe the fact that I can't talk to this person is the universe's way of telling me to move on. Perhaps this is the point in which I'm supposed to be strong, and get over my fears. It's just really hard, and scary. I am truely afraid. I have amazing people in my life, and I feel like these untied ends are holding me back in some way. Maybe they're holding this person back too. I might never know how they feel. It's just, when I said I would be this person's bestfriend, and I wanted them in my life forever, I meant it. It's hard facing the fact that this person might never be in my life again.
In hopes of making sure I'm never faced with another situation in which words are left unsaid, I'm really trying to live my life with an open heart, mind, and mouth. I've been accused of having a big mouth before and not knowing when to keep it shut. But I really don't think I can go on worrying about this anymore. I have tried to hold my tongue long enough. I am a passionate person. Like I said earlier, I will fight to the bitter end. But I will also love with all that I have. I'm willing to fight for love, and fight for the people I love.
I guess the goal of this post is to wake people up. Don't set yourself up to live with regret. Losing someone you love hurts, so if you truely love them, make sure they know how much. Don't let your pride, or your fear get in the way of something beautiful. Cherish the time you have with those you love. You never know when you won't get the chance to let them know how you feel. Then I guess a part of me wrote this post in hopes that some way, somehow, the person I've lost communication with would get to read it. Even if they don't reach out to me, I would feel better knowing that they know how I feel.
So my challenge for you: Don't live with regret, and don't let things go left unsaid. If you care about someone, prove it.
Have you ever noticed how some things just seem insanely hard to say? What is it that catches our tongues and makes what is on our mind or on our hearts so difficult to say? Are we afraid of looking like the bad guy? Afraid of rejection? Afraid of revealing our true self? Afraid, is that what we are? Are we all really just big cowards?
I've caught myself holding my tongue on countless occasions. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I was raised being told "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." But who gets the final say on what is "nice" ? And what if the truth isn't nice? Are we expected to lie in order to save someone's feelings? I understand the principle behind wanting to save someone's emotions, but is there a line between being polite, and being a flat out liar?
What about instances in which emotions are involved? Take love for example. It seems like we have been programmed to believe that we have to wait until the most opportune moment, and last possible second before it's acceptable to say. There are so many "rules" and "games" that people play when it comes to love. If you feel it, why can't you just say it? I've seen so many people appologize for saying "I love you" too soon. Too soon? What is there, some love time zone? "Oh it's just past I like you a lot o'clock, time to say I love you!" I understand that it's a huge thing to say, especially when you truely feel it, and you're unsure of how the other person feels. I just wish we'd all stop with the games, and stop second guessing our feelings. If it feels right, say it.
Actually, I wish we'd all stop second guessing ourselves general. If someone asks for your opinion, don't stop to find the most appropriate response for whatever scenario you're in. Say what you feel. If you have an actual reason, belief, or feeling behind what you're saying, the world deserves to hear it. Passion is power. If you say what's on your mind or in your heart, you might get weird looks, or snooty comments, but those facts alone prove you're the bigger person. I try my hardest to listen and respect the opinions and beliefs of others. There is no way in hell that I agree with everyone, but I don't have to agree with what someone is saying to offer up a little respect.
I think a lot of us are actually lacking respect for ourselves when we bite our tongues. If you don't believe in what you're feeling, enough to let it be heard, why should anyone believe in it? If you've got something to say, say it. Words are powerful, embrace that power. Use it to your advantage. We could change the world if we weren't so afraid of letting our voices be heard. So speak up, you never know who might be listening.
So my challenge for you: Say what's on your mind, or on your heart. Let your voice be heard.
I'm going to leave you with a link to my current favorite song. The song is Words I Never Said by Lupe Fiasco. It honestly sums up a lot of what I was thinking and feeling when writing this post. Enjoy! http://youtu.be/22l1sf5JZD0
We’ve all heard the saying, “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it”. But what happens when you’re unsure if the thing is broken? Have you ever been in a situation where you want something to work so badly, that you become blind to reality? I’m scared I’m starting to find myself in this situation. It’s crazy and kind of unfair how some things start out so perfectly, but over time the perfection starts to wear off, and the cracks begin to show. I’m desperately waiting for someone or something to swoop in with some super glue, so I can put back together what’s falling apart right before my eyes.
While I’m wishing for glue, I also start to wonder if this thing is worth saving. I don’t want to be apathetic, but I’m starting to become that way. Some things are two way streets, and in my situation, I feel like I’m the only one driving. I’m just really confused about this whole thing, and I am wishing and waiting for a sign to let me know what I should do. I’m more than willing to glue this back together, but I need help from the person that’s contributing to the cracks.
On top of things falling apart around me, I’ve just been feeling super stressed lately. I’ve been getting really swamped with school work. My responsibilities at home are starting to take a toll on me. I haven’t been sleeping as much as I would like to. I’m still trying really hard to get healthy, and it’s been super hard just finding the time to work out, and meditate. But I’m dedicated to these healthy changes, so even though I’m super stressed now, I really think my hard work will pay off in the long run.
I kind of believe my goal of living a healthier life, is one of the reasons I’m starting to reevaluate certain situations. I just want to live the best life I possibly can, and be surrounded by people that have similar goals. We all deserve the very best, and I think sometimes we have to make tough decisions for our own benefit in the long run. Glue can hold things together pretty well, but unless the bigger issue is addressed, whatever you’re gluing together will just continue to crack.
So I challenge you to: Address the bigger issue in your life, don’t just rely on glue to fix your problems. And do what’s best for you; don’t worry about the implications, sometimes you have to put yourself and your needs first.
I feel like I have busier than ever this past week. Unfortunately a busy me, equals no new blog posts. I'm definitely trying to manage my time better so I can write more frequently. I feel like I have a ton to say, just not enough time to say it all! I have been making some healthy changes in my life. I'm working out a lot more than I used to, and I'm starting to see physical results, but I'm also noticing other side effects of exercising regularly. I think the increased circulation is improving my skin, and I'm sleeping a lot better at night. I have random bouts of insomnia, so actually sleeping through the night is wonderful!
I've also kept up with daily meditation. Sometimes I sit and meditate, and other times I'll just lay on the floor, flat on my back. The key is not moving. The stillness helps me clear my head. I cannot remember the name of the type of meditation I do (of course I draw a blank while writing this) but the process involves picturing something like a tree, at a distance, and gradually picturing yourself getting closer to the tree. You keep visualizing this journey getting cloer to the tree, you get so close to the tree that you even begin to visualize the atoms in the tree. The idea is that this technique helps us realize that all things all made up of atoms. So I like this idea, because I'm a firm believer that we're all equals. I'm not saying a tree is equivalent to a person, but you get the general idea. I change this meditation type up just a little bit when I'm doing it. I like to notice my surroundings while getting closer to the tree I'm visualizing. So I'll picture wind blowing through my hair, and think of the sound a bee would make while buzzing by. It's super relaxing to me.
I'm also trying to eat healthier. Now I have a crazy sweet tooth, so I couldn't give up all sweets to save my life. I also don't believe in depriving ourselves. But I want to be healthy, so I'm trying to cut out some sweets, and make sure I'm eating everything that's bad for me in moderation. I'm trying to eat fewer carbs, and less meat. I absolutely love Boca meat substitutes. I would actually choose the soy chicken and beef over the real thing. I'm definitely trying to incorporate more fruits and veggies into my daily diet as well. Fresh fruits and veggies totally beat canned or frozen every time. Sorry canned corn, I choose the cob.
I believe we should all strive to take better care of ourselves. I don't see taking a little extra time out of our days to do something healthy and beneficial as selfish. If anything, you're being completely unselfish. If we make an effort to live healthier lives, we're ensuring ourselves a longer, and more fulfilling stint on this earth. I think we all want to stick around as long as we can to be with our loved ones.
So I challenge you to: Make more of an effort when it comes to healthy lifestyle choices. What do you have to lose? Besides a few pounds and maybe a little stress.
At some point or another, each and every single one of us is going to have to put our trust in another person's hands. Sometimes we let go of this trust easily, other times it's hard to loosen our grip. No matter how easily (or not so easily) you put your trust in another person, it's a big step. I, for one, have never been a very trusting person. Maybe it's the result of years of "stranger danger" being drilled in my head by my mother. I dont know, I've just never found it easy to fully give someone my trust.
I'm a pretty guarded person, which is one of the reasons I write. I feel kind of anonymous behind a pen or keyboard, which makes it easier for me to express myself. People have always baffled me. Which is a big reason for my mistrust. I truely want to believe that mankind is inherently good, but this gets difficult each time I'm hurt by someone.
I've lost so many friends because they betrayed me after I gave them my trust. Losing a friend can be devastating. Being betrayed by someone you're in a relationship with hurts on a different level though. When you open yourself up to someone, and give them your trust as well as your heart, you expect them to do the same. I was completely betrayed by someone that I trusted with my whole heart.
One of my very first relationships was plagued with lies, deceit, secrets, and another girl. While this boyfriend was cheating on me, my "love" for him made me blind and stupid. I tried to rationalize the stories he told me, and I made excuses for his strange behavior. It was completely unhealthy. Eventually I had to stop lying to myself, and accept the fact that someone, once again, took advantage of my trust.
After this, I drew a line. I would never let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. I put up a wall. I refused to give another person my trust. Yet, here I sit, in a relationship with someone that I want to give all of my trust to. It's honestly one of the hardest things for me to do though. I want to, I really do. It's just, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking about all of the people that have hurt me in the past. No one wants to get hurt again. As much as I care about this person, if they ever truely hurt me, I would be completely devastated. I'm not saying that I believe they will hurt me, I honestly don't think that'll happen. I'm just fighting myself, and my own deeply routed fears and insecurities.
Being cheated on, and/or lied to really makes a person's confidence weak. At least, that's what happened to me. When I was dealing with the lies and betrayal, I started to question my self worth. I would think things like Maybe i'm not pretty enough. Maybe this other girl is skinnier. I must complain too much. Maybe he thinks I'm controlling. I'm not tall enough. I have a weird laugh. I'm too needy. You name it, I thought it. I completely picked myself apart. So not only was I dealing with these feelings of hurt, I was now having to process all of the horrible things I was saying about myself.
It took a long time for me to realize what I was doing to myself. I still have to stop and remind myself that I am worth something, and I don't deserve to be lied to. I think we all battle insecurites like this. At the end of the day though, we honestly just have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. As much as it hurts, we really do learn from our mistakes. I don't think I'll ever be a very trusting person, at least not naturally, but I believe I'm ready to once again put my full trust in another person. It honestly feels like I'm jumping off a bridge, but at the end of the day, all I can do is hope this other person is standing at the bottom ready to catch me.
So I have a question and a challenge for you: Do you find it hard to put your trust in others? My Challenge: Let yourself be vulnerable. If you're on the edge of something, jump with nothing but hope below you.
We live in a world where we can be in touch with anyone we want in a matter of seconds thanks to things like cell phones, and the Internet. But when we connect to people in these ways, are we really connecting? Maybe I'm just an old soul trapped in the wrong time period, but I don't feel very connected to people when we're strictly communicating electronically. I often wish we could revert back the time when people wrote letters to the people they cared about, and rode a horse across multiple states just to be with someone. I'm not just an old soul, apparently I'm a hopeless romantic. Don't tell anyone though, I'll deny it.
I just feel like everyone is so used to getting on Facebook to say hello to an old friend, or shooting their significant other a text to say I love you. Sure, there's nothing wrong with that, but when it becomes common practice, and more traditional forms of communication disappear, it seems like a problem to me. I'm guilty of texting people for hours on end, but when I think about it, it probably would have been easier just to talk to that person on the phone. Things like emotions and context often get lost in electronic translation. How many times have you had to explain a joke or sarcastic comment sent in a text message? I've had to plenty of times.
Why are we so afraid to actually open our mouths and talk to people? Cyber bullying is going on all the time, and I'm sure 90% of the things said online would never be said to someone's face. I kind of feel like technology has turned us all into desensitzed cowards. Don't get me wrong, technology is amazing. When it's not possible to communicate with someone in person, I'm so glad there are things like Skype, and Facebook. But when we have a choice to send someone a text, or call them to plan an icecream date, I'm chosing the icecream date.
A connection to me isn't strictly physical, or emotional. There is no black or white. A touch can send chills up your spine, and a word can instantly bring a smile to your face. Having a real connection with someone requires effort. Effort from both people involved. A text message, or a "poke" on Facebook, doesn't really require much effort in my opinion. So to fix this problem, before I send someone a text message, or write on their Facebook wall, I'm going to stop and seek out possible forms of communication that actually require a little bit of effort. I can be terribly lazy at time, so this is going to be quite a challenge for me. But I think it'll be worth it, I want to feel connected to people in a way that doesn't require an Internet connection.
So my challenge for you: Write someone a letter; call someone on the phone; plan a lunch date; connect with someone on a deeper level than you usually would today.
Have you ever noticed how you always end up hurting the ones you love the most? It sounds so cliche, but if you think about it, it's true. Yesterday I spent the day shopping with my mom and sister. I don't know what it was, but we all fought with eachother the entire time. It was insane. Every little thing would set one of us off. The stuff we said to eachother was horrible, too. I couldn't imagine saying some of that stuff to friends, enemies, or even strangers. Then I started thinking later that night. What makes it okay to say horrible things to your family, that you would never say to another person? Honestly, nothing makes it "okay" but I think we all let down our filters when we're talking to the people closest to us.
Doesn't it seem like you get into the worst fights with your family, your bestfriends, and your boyfriend/girlfriend? You fight with the people you're supposed to love way more frequently than you fight with the people you don't really care about. It seems so backwards. I think we do this because in the back of our minds, we know these people are still going to love us, even if we're horrible to them. For example, when you're fighting with your mom, you know that she's supposed to love you no matter what. Therefore you feel like you can fly off the handle without as many repercussions as you would have if you say, got into a fight with your boss at work.
Even though these people are expected to be there for us, no matter what, our words still hurt them. In fact, when I fight with my mom or sister, the things they say hurt far worse than anything a stranger could say to me. Even if a stranger said the exact same thing my sister did, it would hurt more to hear it coming from my sister. I just feel like we should all be more cautious when we're fighting. I know this can seem impossible in the heat of the moment. I know when I'm angry the last thing I'm worried about is hurting someone's feelings. I mean, in a sick way, you want the things you're saying in a fight to hurt the other person.
I would instantly start a fight with someone if they ever spoke to my mother like I speak to her. So why do I still say terrible things to her? Habit? If it's just a habit, it's way worse than biting fingernails, and drinking milk out of the carton could ever be. So my goal is stop hurting the people I love the most. I'm really going to try and watch what I say. If I wouldn't say it to a stranger, I'm going to try and stop saying it to the people I care about most. None of us are perfect, so we'll all screw up at some point. But I think the effort will be worth the reward. The reward being that you can show these people how much you love them, by actually treating them like you love them!
So my goal for you is to: Fight fair when you're fighting with the people you care about most.
Just a side note, I've been really busy this weekend, so that's why I'm just now updating my blog. To make up for my missed blogs I've added a new poem called "The Chosen One" so check that out. Also, I would like to thank my friend Kyle for helping me decide what to blog about today =)
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.