 I think my Sagittarius nature is the source of this post. I am constantly craving freedom. A part of me is afraid to get too attached to anyone or any place. Any time I let myself be vulnerable, I get hurt. When it comes to things like relationships I kind of wish it was possible to spend immense amounts of time with someone and love them; but never actually be in a "relationship." Something about that word alone turns me off and freaks me out. It's like I just need some sort of "out" or exit door. Like an insurance policy for my heart.
In my non-relationship you can do everything two people in a normal relationship would do, and remain totally committed to that one person. You simply wouldn't have that heavy word "relationship" looming overhead. I believe this would be especially beneficial when two people are young. You can care a great deal about someone but you just don't want to be strictly tied to them. Relationships these days seem like death sentences. People take them so seriously and there is often a lot of jealousy involved. Who wants or needs that at a young age? The last thing anyone needs is a ball and chain around their ankle. Is it crazy for me to want to be in a relationship less union with someone? It seems quite rational to me. At least when it comes to protecting my heart. But, is this too much like 500 Days of Summer? When at the end of the day, the person you're "not" dating feels like everything you had together was just a lie? Is someone always bound to get hurt in this situation? So my question for you: Is it selfish of me to want someones attention and affection without giving them the satisfaction of an actual relationship?
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Hello Loves, sorry I've not posted anything in a while. I have been insanely busy lately. That's a great thing though! It's finally Christmas break, and I am officially 20 years old. I had an amazing birthday. I was surrounded by my family and closest friends. I am a very lucky girl. I'm beginning to fall in love again. I'm starting to love who I am; love this life I've been given, and love the amazing people around me. I definitely believe sometimes things have to fall apart so better things can fall together. I was in a very dark place a couple weeks ago. I was lost.
I think one big problem is that I was surrounding myself with the wrong people. People that were just as lost as I was. I was in a relationship, but I wasn't mysef. I didn't realize it at the time, but after some reflection, I noticed that I had slowly been losing myself along the way while I stayed in that relationship. I was trying to fit a mold that just wasn't me. I feel like I made the best choice for everyone in ending that relationship. I really wanted to salvage the friendship that was the foundation of the union, but it's become very apparent that's not possible at this time. I think he's trying to erase me from his life, instead of just appreciating what was, and moving on with what it is now. Speaking of moving on, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm trying to focus my attention on my writing, and my relationships with family and friends. This Christmas is going to be a great one, I can already feel it. I'm looking forward to the feeling of rebirth that Christmas and the New Year brings. I believe 2012 is going to be a good year for me. A lot of changes will take place, but they'll ultimately shape me into a better person. I'm truly blessed, and I'm thankful for this life I'm living. So my Challenge for You: Take a look at your life, and appreciate all the beauty and blessings around you. And remember: We only get one shot at this whole life thing. 
Why are people so sick and twisted these days? I swear, it seems like people will do whatever they can to hurt people, or make them uncomfortable. Just because you can play with someone's emotions and feelings, it doesn't mean you should. To the sick individual that has completely and utterly confused and hurt me, just stop. Really, stop. I'm still so confused. Everything that was "us" was clearly a lie. So no, we can never get back to "normal". There was never a normal, just your lies. I don't know who you are, or what your motives were or still are. I don't know who I fell in love with, well that's not entirely true, clearly I fell in love with a lie. Start telling the truth, and stop calling yourself by the name I knew "you" as. It's sick.
 I've kind of had a bit of a revelation within myself. I'm tired of worrying about everyone but myself. I deserve some recognition. My feelings, needs, and wants deserve attention. After some careful reflection this past week, I've realized I don't need another person to be happy. I'll never be happy until I love myself, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. Start loving me. I'm actually kind of happier single, than I ever was in relationships. Relationships are complicated, and messy. I need simplicty right now. I'm going through a lot internally, and I need to focus my attention on straightening up myself. But that doesn't mean I'm going to isolate myself from the world. I've been doing the complete opposite, actually. I've been spending quality time with friends, going on a few dates, and just enjoying being an almost 20 year old with her entire life ahead of her. Life isn't perfect right now, but I'm perfectly fine with that.
 Nothing. That's what I've got. Nothing at all. I feel so alone. Isolated. My own thoughts are turning against me. I need some form of clarity. I just don't know how to find it. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate this horrible place. I've lost what made me happy. It was my own fault, and I'll never be able to forgive myself. I just hope he can eventually forgive me.
 My head has been spinning for days. I have to make a decision. One that I don't feel ready to face. I have so much uncertainty within myself. Within my heart and head. It's like I'm being pulled in two directions, and I'm just waiting to break. Actually, I kind of think I'm already broken. It's like as soon as I think I have everything figured out, life steps in, and knocks me off my feet. I'm just so lost. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. My mind is anything but at peace.
I'm hurting the only person I've ever truly loved, but I'm also hurting myself. I've been taking everyone elses opinions and feelings into account, but I've not had time to just assess my own. I think I know what my gut feeling actually is, but I keep lying to myself because I don't want to believe it. I am so terrifed of being alone. I'm afraid that if I end things the way they are, I'll never be happy again. I'll never find someone that loves me as much and as unconditionally as he did. I don't feel like I even deserve love. I never have, and yet he loved me. I've always said that if two people are meant to be together, they will be. At some place, and some point in time, things will be as they should. But now I'm not so sure. What if he's my soulmate, but my fickle heart leads me to end things? What if we lose contact, and he hates me forever? Then I'll be forced to walk alone in this world, constantly facing the fact that I let my soulmate walk out the door. On the other hand, what if we're not soulmates? What if the love we shared was real, but it was never meant to last forever? We could end up settling for one another, leaving our true soulmates to walk the Earth searching for their other half. Then we're sitting here, comfortable, but never fully content. I am just so lost. A big part of me wants him to fight for me. Chase after me, make me realize exactly what I'd be losing if I said goodbye. But no, he's not chasing me. It's like he's running from me. Leaving me to make the decision of OUR fate all on my own. That doesn't seem fair. I've been slipping away for a while, but it just never felt like he tried to pull me back. He said I hurt him, but he never showed it. I'm not a mind reader, and I need someone that's going to be strong and say just what they're feeling. Put me in my place. Not just lay down and take it. I put up a front, and pretend like I'm all metal and ice, but I'm not that tough. I need someone that's stronger than me, emotionally. Someone that knows exactly who they are, and what they want. Someone that can help me find myself. I'm such a fragile person, but I've been lying to myself. I've been pretending I'm something that I'm not: strong. I don't think I'll ever make a decision unless I get some feedback. Fight to keep me, or tell me you're ready to find someone easier to handle. Just say something. Please.  I believe I've just ruined what was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think sometimes I have that whole "the grass is always greener. . ." thought. But now that I'm on the otherside, looking back at what I had. I realize I'm an idiot. I get prideful and selfish. I want people all to myself, and when I can't have that, I get angry and throw temper tantrums like a little child. I also let heresay influence my decisions, when I should really just listen to the source. I'm scared I really can't fix this screwup because I've literally lost my superglue. The person that has sworn from the beginning to be by side, and hold me together when I'm broken. They kept up their side of the bargain. Why couldn't I?
I've been sick, and not been able to sleep all night. Now I know what it's like to literally go crazy. The worst part is that I have a feeling this person isn't going to talk to me again. I have so much to say, and apologize for. Now that I've lost this person, I realize that I need them more than they need me. I've always been a broken and scattered person. When we were alone, and things were as they should have been, they were perfect. I always felt safe, secure, and loved. The things I always wanted. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I do know that I'm stupid, and I've really screwed things up for myself. Even if I'm forgiven, I fear that what I've done will never be forgotten. Which means things will never be the same. I'm just in a really dark place right now. I'm scared.  They say absense makes the heart grow fonder, but I don't agree. I believe absense is the seed that gets planted within us and grows into terrible things. Things like fear, doubt, and tension. Can two people ever really trust eachother when they're so far apart? Not just in body, but mentally and spiritually as well. Something can start out as so beautiful and innocent, but once distance gets thrown into the mix, things slowly deteriorate. Maybe distance works for some people. However, I've quickly realized I'm not one of those people.
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Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.
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May 2016
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