Like most of us, I'm always searching for my purpose in life. I believe we're all born with a gift, or talent. Something that we are given that enables us to change the world for the better, if we realize this gift and actually use it. I've always wondered what my gift was. My mom has always told me that God has big plans for me. I believe God has big plans for all of us, but very few of us actually live out that plan. I've always been curious about this divine plan for my life. I've recently been feeling a bit lost. Lost in this world, lost in my relationships, and lost in my own head. It's extremely frustrating.
After driving myself crazy wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life, things are slowly starting to come into focus. I've always had a very curious mind. I've questioned everything for as long as I can remember. I'm sure I've driven my family and those around me absolutely nuts. I have a restless mind and spirit. I'm fascinated by the world around me. I want to go to as many places as possible, and meet as many people as I can. I believe we all have a story, a history, a message that needs to be heard. I'm a very outspoken and honest person. Sometimes (a lot of the time) that gets me in trouble. I don't see it as a total weakness though, it's also a strength. I believe my voice can and someday will be used to help others be heard. Ultimately what I've been rambling about is my decision to pursue journalism with all that I have. I think it's a career that will leave me feeling the most fulfilled. Every aspect of my personality seems to fall perfectly in line with the traits needed to be a successful journalist. I've often wondered if this was the path I was supposed to take, but now it just seems so clear. It's right for me. It's what I need to do. I feel like it will let my voice be heard and the voice of countless others who don't have the ability to speak for themselves. I'm happy to say that I'm slowly starting to figure things out. This revelation is just one of many that I hope to have. If you're feeling lost, I hope you start to figure things out for yourself as well. It's a wonderful feeling. My Question to you: What have you been wondering about lately? Have you recently had any revelations in your life?
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If you check my page on a semi-regular basis, I'm sure you will have instantly noticed many changes to the site. There are several reasons for the changes. The first reason, is because I feel like I've been going on a personal journey recently. I've been trying to figure out exactly who I am, and what I want. I noticed that my blog didn't really match who I am. It reflected the person I thought I was. The person I wanted everyone to think I am. But I'm not the bubbly, optimistic, rainbows and daisies person everyone probably assumed I was. I'm a much more complex individual. I can be a lot darker and deeper than the superficial smiles and perfect flowers, and peppy pop songs I so frequently posted. So I wanted the images on here to be edgier, and so far the new layout feels right. Who knows, give me a few months, and this site could easily look completely different. I'm constantly changing as a person.
For the record, just because the site looks a bit darker, I promise I'm not going through some crazy bout of depression. I'm a very happy and fulfilled person. I have the most incredible people in my life, and I'm so thankful for them. The images on here now, I find artistic and creative. I'm inspired by so many different things. So I don't want my page to feel like it only fits into a single mold. I certainly don't fit into any one mold. I removed pretty much all images of my face. This is honestly for my own safety, not insecurities. I realized how easy it could be for someone to steal the pictures of my face right off these pages and use them for their own sick and twisted ways. The Internet is such a corrupt place. I don't want to find an image of my face photoshopped onto a porn stars body at any point in the future. That would just be disturbing. I hope the new layout doesn't turn anyone away from reading what I have to say. I have a voice within me that is constantly screaming to be heard. I think the updated site fits me at the time and place I am currently in at this stage of my life. I'm right on the brink of my 20th birthday. I'm trying to mature, and figure out who I'm going to be as I grow into a woman. This is such a crazy and crucial time in my life, so the change feels right. I think the site is going to start doing a better job at truely expressing who I am as an individual. I hope you all continue to check out my page, and read my work. I hope it continues to inspire and make everyone stop and look at what's going on around and within themselves. Peace and Love. -Lindsey 
It’s like I'm spiraling out of control. That's the best way I can put it at this moment. I feel like I'm being pulled in a thousand different directions and it's only a matter of time before a part of me gets stretched too far. It's my own fault. I think I've been living in a fantasy world for quite sometime. I've been trying to fit into a mold that I thought was right for me. It’s starting to become very clear that I just don’t belong in this mold. I’ve been trying to be perfect for so many people. I’m beginning to see the cracks I left while trying to hurry and conform. I’m starting to feel like Dorian Gray when he saw the painting of his own face for the first time. (Well, he died, but from shock). I’m shocked at the person I’ve become.
On one hand, I’ve been striving to better my life and health. I’ve become a vegetarian, and I’m trying to eat as healthy as possible. I’m trying to get regular exercise; all of the things a physician would be proud of. A psychiatrist on the other hand would probably we appalled. I’ve lost sight of who I really am. I used to be this vivacious, deeply spiritual girl, who knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life. Now, however, I feel like I’ve dead bolted myself to the floor. I’m trapped by this person I’ve become, a person that I don’t even recognize. Maybe I’ve not lost sight of myself; perhaps we’re all just in a constant state of evolution. I’m evolving quicker than I can come to terms with. I want to grow, and better myself, but I also want to get back to my roots. I want to bring back the girl that prayed every night. The girl that took on art projects in her spare time, and was constantly scribbling in a journal, or tinkering on her piano. The girl that reveled in her independence, and wasn’t afraid of being alone. I miss the girl that wasn’t going to change for anyone. But here I sit, changed. I’ve been lying to myself and those around me. I’m not happy. I don’t know what I need to be happy anymore. It’s like I’ve been painting this elaborate watercolor, but I got carried away. I was too confident. Now all of the colors have just ran into one another and created an ugly shade of grey. I’m sick of faking a smile for the people around me. I want to be truly happy again. I need to paint over all this grey with some vibrancy. I think I just need to focus on making myself happy again, all on my own. Sure, it’s wonderful having people in your life that try to make you happy. Ultimately though, you have to make yourself happy before anyone else can. I need to remind myself of what truly makes me happy. No one can do that for me. I guess this is the part where I go off and do some soul searching. I just desperately want to get out of this funk that I’ve been in lately. My Challenge to you: If you’re lost, go find yourself. If you find the piece of me that I seem to be missing, please return it to its owner. 
I've been feeling insanely overwhelmed lately. It has been driving me crazy. School is killing me, and I'm just struggling to survive until December 16 (the last day of the semester). Thanksgiving break cannot get here quick enough. I need some time to breathe. I feel like I'm being suffocated all the time. It's not just school that's smothering me though. I feel like I'm once again at a crossroads in my life and it's time for me to reevaluate some things. I'm trying to look seriously at my future. Which university I want to go to, what I really want to major in. I'm trying to figure out where I want to live, and who I want to live with. A big part of me is ready to be on my own.
I used to hate being alone, and I always wanted to be with someone. Now I catch myself craving time alone. Room to be myself, and make my own mistakes. Just space to have fun, and be free. I desperately need some freedom. I'm rapidly approaching my 20th birthday, and what do I have to show for the past two decades? Nothing. I want to do something big. Make a name for myself. Be by myself. I love the people around me, but sometimes it's all just too much. I would absolutely consider myself a free spirit, and I've been feeling caged lately. I just have to figure out my escape plan. I want to make a clean break. Something that wont hurt me, or anyone else. I just hope that's possible. I'm young, and still just trying to figure things out. I don't know what or who I need at this point. I think that's a big part of my problem. I've lost sight of who I really am. I need to be with myself, and have no distractions. I all the time think I have things figured out, but it always ends up blowing up in my face. I'm a highly intuitive person, and my intuition is telling me that the ways things are right now, aren't how they should be. I hope I can figure out what I need to do before I dig myself deeper into this rut I'm in. Question: What's the best way to reconnect with your lost self? 
I don't think I've ever been so relieved to hear another persons voice on the phone in my life. I've been super worried about someone for weeks. It's hard enough being far away from someone you love and care about, especially when they are thousands of miles away. You cherish every second that you get to communicate with that person. My contact with this person dropped off the face of the earth two weeks ago, and I went through every emotion imaginable. I was worried, sad, angry, confused, you name an emotion, I felt it.
I just got off the phone with them, and I honestly feel like the biggest weight ever has been lifted off of my shoulders. Then at the same time, I'm still so worried for and about them. They explained the reason for the communication hault. It is terrifying; something I could never imagine going through, and would never wish upon my worst enemy. Being so far away, I just wish I could do something. I just feel helpless. I want to be there for them so bady it hurts. I want to comfort them, and make them know that everything is alright. They were worried that I would be mad at them for not talking to me, but I pride myself in being a pretty understanding person. Then when they explained what happened, it would be physically impossible for me not to understand. Like I said earlier, I was just so ridiculously happy to hear their voice, and know that they are okay, despite what they're going through. I honestly feel horrible for even being mad at them for even a second. I guess the point of this post is to signify a shift in mood finally, and share my relief with all of you. Also, I just want to mention how important it is not to jump to conclusions. No matter how crazy things get, if you really care about someone, give them the benefit of the doubt. This world is a crazy place, you never know what can happen from one day to the next. So my Challenge for you: Think before you react, and cherish all the time you get with the ones you love and care for. |
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Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.
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