I know that I haven't blogged lately, and I am sorry. I've had a lot on my plate, and a lot on my mind lately. I have added some poems to give you a quick update of my mental state. Happy stuff, I know. I don't know what's wrong with me really. I've been kind of depressed lately. Well actually, I do know why Im depressed, but I don't feel like sharing. Usually I'm an open book on here, but I feel like my reasons are too personal to share with the world. I'll get out of this slump soon. I also promise to start blogging more. Until then, enjoy the new poems, and feel free to re-read some of my older posts. Maybe you'll find something you didn't see the first time you read it. Or perhaps you'll uncover another meaning behind my words. I hope all is well.
I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. I used to think I had a pretty definitive plan for the way my life would pan out. I'm maturing every day and thinking much harder about what I really want out of life, and what is really important to me. When it comes down to it, all that really matters is love, and having good people to share the experiences of your life with.
I have some great people in my life, but I'm starting to look closer at these people. I'm quickly starting to realize which of these people are actually going to be there for me through thick and thin. I value everyone in my life, and I believe people are put into our lives for a reason. Sometimes they aren't placed there permanently though. So I'm trying to value the time I have with these people, while I have them. On the other hand, there are some people in my life that I know will be there forever. I have amazing friends all over the country, and some incredible people on different continents. These are the people that I would honestly lay my life on the line for, and I really believe they would do the same for me.
I used to say that I didn't really believe in love, but once you've found it, it's impossible not to believe. I also used to say that I really didn't care about marriage. I didn't feel like I needed a piece of paper to validate my love for another person. But today I was thinking, and I realized, it's really not about that paper at all. Marriage is about more than wasting money on an elaborate wedding, in an attempt to prove your love for someone. The wedding itself is an opportunity to publically proclaim your love for that other person.
I think there's something special about giving your last name to another person, and giving up your last name for someone you love. I look forward to the day I go to fill out my marriage license, and the day I go shopping for a wedding dress. I want the wedding itself to be really small and intimate. No more than 50 people. I want the people I mentioned earlier to be there. The ones that are really going to be there for me, and are truely happy that I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I believe we're all growing and changing constantly. I think this is a positive thing. If life and the people in it were static, where would all the joy and excitement be? I believe we should embrace the changes in our lives, and look for the people that will be there to experience these changes with us. Life's a difficult thing to go through, so why try to go through it alone?
My question for you: What changes have you gone through lately?
Bullying. It's been everywhere in the news recently. It doesn't shock me that it's still happening at this day and age, but what does shock me is the number of people affected by it. Furthermore, the number of people that commit suicide because of bullying. The most recent statistics say that in the last year alone, 1 in 12 teens attempted suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death among teens and adolescents. As a young person that has dealt with bullying first hand, and knows many people that have suffered through it as well, I just wanted to share my experiences with you.
I've actually been on both ends of the bullying spectrum. When I was in elementary school, there was this one girl that was really different from everyone else. All of the students in our grade made fun of her, and really alienated her from everyone else. We were all 8 and 9 years old, so a lot of the bullying was just follow the leader stuff. If one person was making fun of this girl, everyone else joined in. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that at this age, anything different is seen as a bad. Individuality need not apply in grade school. Everyone was trying to fit in. So when I saw the other people around me teasing this girl, I joined in.
At this time, I was having a lot of trouble opening up and being social. I used to have social anxiety, and when I was in elementary school, my mom stuck me in like a little focus group ran by my guidance counselor. This group was for girls that were shy, and needed help opening up with all of the other students. It was a group designed to make us feel comfortable around eachother, and help us make friends. The girl that everyone made fun of was also in this group. Even though everyone in the little group obviously had a lot in common, we somehow still managed to alienate this girl. When we'd do little projects in there, we'd all snicker at her work, and make really hurtful comments about her.
In hindsight, where everything is clear, none of us knew this girl's backstory. She could have been abused, or treated badly at home. She could of had a learning disability that made her seem a little off to our 8 year old minds. Who knows? The point is, what made any one of us think that we had the right to make fun of this girl? At this time in our lives, none of us know who we are. We're all just figuring stuff out as we go. I just wish that I would have stopped, and thought about my actions instead of following the crowd, and making fun of a girl that I knew nothing about. To this day, I wonder what ever happened to that girl. Because after elementary school, I never saw her again.
I guess the universe decided to give me a dose of my own medicine once I reached middle school and high school. I don't know what it is about girls, but instead of banding together, girl power style, we are really mean to eachother. Even the girls that we claim are our friends, will still get talked about behind their backs. I was constantly made fun of, and teased from 6th grade up until 12th grade. It was miserable. The sad part is, I know that the extent of the bullying I went through is nothing compared to what so many people try to endure on a daily basis.
My own sister opened up to me about the bullying she went through in middle school, and still goes through now that she's a sophmore in high school. When she began describing the horrible things that people said to and about her, I instantly became furious. Not only is she my baby sister, the person that I would fight and die for in an instant, she's also the prettiest and sweetest person anyone will ever be lucky enough to meet. I believe a lot of the name calling and backstabbing comes from a place of jealousy towards her. She's beautiful inside and out. This girl has the kindest heart ever. Such a kind person does not deserve the negative remarks and snide comments she receives pretty much on a daily basis.
No one deserves to be made fun of, or called names. We're all beautiful in our own ways. An ugly face can't hide a beautiful heart. Futhermore, all of the makeup in the world can't conceal an ugly heart or spirit. So if you're going through hell, and people are calling you names, ignore it. Be the better person. Karma is real, what goes around comes around. I got a dose of my own medicine, and the people that are making fun of you will get what they deserve too.
The world is such a hard place to survive in these days. We really don't need the added pressure of bullying to be constantly looming over our heads. Putting someone down doesn't make you above them. That temporary high you feel when you're making someone feel like they're worthless is really only temporary. As long as they can be strong enough to look past your words and actions, they will always rise above you. We all really need to look within and find our own truths. You know if you're being a good person or not. If you find yourself looking in the mirror, and realizing that you have a foul heart, I suggest you start working really hard to correct it. We only get one shot at this thing called life, so why not strive to make it an enjoyable place for not only yourself, but everyone around you.
So my challenge for you is to: Stay strong is you're dealing with bullying. You can overcome it. Your life is valuable and you are anything but worthless. If you are being a bully, you need to have a serious conversation with yourself, and find what it is that's making you feel the need to put someone else down. You might not want to confront the truth, but you need to.
Want to know something that drives me crazy about myself? I am so terribly afraid of commitment. I'm not only talking about relationships here. I dwell on the stupidest things. I can mull over a blouse at the store for an hour, and then end up not buying it. Why? Because I'm afraid to commit. What if I get it home, and it looks funny when I try it on again? What if the salesperson lied when she said that color would look great on me? I really believe I have a psychological disorder or something. It cannot be healthy to second guess pretty much every single thing you do. What's the point of living if you're going to spend most of your time calculating the risk of your actions and investments?
I believe a large chunk of my fear of commitment comes from my lack of self-confidence. I second guess my clothing purchases because I'm not comfortable with my body. I second guess my relationships too. I think I do this because I don't feel worthy of taking up someone else's time. I'm afraid to invest all of myself, because what if I'm not good enough for the other person? What if they get tired of me? What if I reveal something about myself that completely turns them off? Then where am I left? Alone, and feeling like everything that went wrong was my fault.
I second guess all of my future plans too. I can't even commit to a major that I want to study in school. On one hand, I have a ton of interests and it's hard to pick the right one. But on a deeper level, I think I'm just afraid of failure. What if I spend four years of my life studying Creative Writing, and I end up broke and homeless because I'm not a good enough writer? Or what if I decide to go into Psychology? Something that absolutely facinates me. I'd be spending way more than four years working towards getting a degree that would land me a career in clinical psychology. I'd also be investing so much money. What if I waste all of my money and my family's money? I can't get a job, and I end up diagnosing my own mental disorders as well as my cats. (Since I'm afraid everyone will eventually get tired of me, inevitably I'm probably going to turn into a crazy cat lady).
There's this huge chunk of me that lacks confidence, but underneath it all, there's still this small glimmer of hope. This tiny piece of me that sometimes comes to the surface to remind me that I am beautiful, I am worthy of another person's love, and I can be successful if I work hard enough. I am so thankful for this tiny little light within. I just wish it would surface more often. I struggle every single day with my self-confidence, and with my commitments. Hopefully I'm fighting a winning battle though. First on my agenda, commit to quit putting myself down.
So my question to you: Do you find it hard to commit to things? If so, why do you struggle?
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.