It feels as though I am the only thing that is holding this family together, and at the same time, this family is ripping me apart. Why must my existence be such an existential paradox? My parents and sister seem oblivious when it comes to fully taking care of themselves, much less supporting one another. I have never felt supported in this family. I'm used to being the quintessential "black sheep." I am constantly talked about behind my back, and never confronted. Watch out, don't say too much. Lindsey might have another mental breakdown. She needs to be medicated. I really think some nerve pills will help her. She would really benefit from going to church. Jesus will heal her. She isn't being her true self. Um, excuse me. Shut up. For two seconds. Firstly, the "true self" everyone seems to be referring to is the insecure basket case who was so unsure of herself and her place in the world, she was ready to kill herself at any moment. In what universe would a self respecting (or self righteous) set of parents want their child to be in that head space? Furthermore, why would you want your child to think that the only refuge from his or her struggles is a lifetime of mind-numbing medication? Where is the "sanity" in any of that?
I can feel my desire and all-around need to move out looming overhead like a giant storm cloud. I had a dream the other night in which the whites of my eyes were being taken over by darkness, in a manner eerily reminiscent of storm clouds. I had no idea what that dream could have been alluding to, and now, as I'm writing this, I am beginning to find some clarity. The eyes are the windows into the soul, and they are also the universal symbol for vision and clarity. I believe the dream was symbolic of my vision being clouded by outside sources of darkness, namely, my family. I know they mean well, however, their opinions are overall highly detrimental to my overall growth. If I'm feeling content and confident, just go with it. Please (that was a subliminal message to my parents, feel free to ignore the useless bargaining and dramatic pleas). Parents, do not dwell on the past that I am trying so desperately to move past.
I know that I was in a very dark place a few months ago, but I made the decision to move forward and into the light. I did that on my own. That was before the talk of medication, before the trips to see the therapist. I wanted to heal myself, and I did. I am. The healing process and battle against depression and anxiety is going to be a constant in my life. I know this. And the fact that I know this should be comforting to you. I am not seeking an easy way through my hardships; I am acknowledging their existence and choosing to see beyond them. In my opinion, that merits some good faith and some praise, not constant beratement.
I hope that in the coming months, I will have things set up so that I can move out of my family home as painlessly as possible. I need to start making a life for myself. Whether or not my family agrees with my lifestyle choices or not. At the end of the day, it's my life, and the choices I make are mine alone. I fear that a piece of me will always be unsure about my decisions because we all want approval from our families, even if we deny it. I also want my family to be taken care of, and I have been taking care of a lot for a long time. I have no idea how I, or any of my family, will adjust to my absence. I have been the man behind the curtain, silently running the show. I believe a lot of the turbulence that I have been experiencing in my home life is because the puppet-master (a.k.a. Me) has become preoccupied with her own dreams lately. The show is getting sloppy. No one is willing to pick up the slack, but everyone is at the ready when it comes to throwing tomatoes.
Pain, and trials are only temporary. I know there is a lesson to be learned from my suffering. I've had almost twenty-three years worth of good suffering under my belt, I am going to be a wise old owl one day. I am choosing each day to radiate positivity and self-confidence so that I may get myself closer to my goals. I would greatly appreciate any and all forms of positivity that could be sent my way. I really hope this post doesn't seem weepy or negative. I just needed a place to fully vent. I can't open up to my family. Things are simply too fragile to add more weight on the pile at this time. So, I'll just overwhelm you with my overwhelming existence. Hope you're enjoying this!
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.