Are there some things about yourself that you absolutely cannot stand? I don't really like using the word "hate", but sometimes I have days where I hate myself. I'm a very critical person, and I'm extremely self-conscious. I can usually hide these things pretty well, but they are almost constantly eating away at me on the inside. I sometimes catch myself staring at a mirror and hating the face and body reflected back at me. I know I shouldn't do this, but it's like I can't help it at times.
I'm always incredibly worried about my weight. I've grown up in a family that is pretty much 99% obese. I've constantly heard family members complaining about their weights, discussing the latest diets they are on, and watching them count their calories. I look at these people, and I'm terrified that one day I will become exactly like them: overweight and unhappy. I'm already halfway there, so what's going to stop me from grabbing a bag of Doritos and going all the way?
Freshman year of High School I believe I was boarderline anorexic. I restricted the amount of food I ate to crazy extremes. I wouldn't eat lunch at school, and my friends even started worrying about me. They would constantly try to get me to eat. It drove me crazy, I wanted to just fade into the background while I watched my waist wither away. Even though I hated the fact that they were nagging me about eating, today I look back on it and I'm thankful that I have such caring friends. They eventually got me to start eating (Even though for a while I was just doing it to get them to shut up).
Like I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to dwell on things. I even like to dwell on stuff like my love handles and leg fat. I still catch myself going on exercise benders, I restrict what I eat at times, and sometimes I binge on food. I even go on these kicks where I won't let myself indulge on anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate all of these things about myself. I hate the fact that I can't accept my body.
The sad part is, I don't only obsess over my weight. I am extremely self-conscious about my skin. I can thank my genetics for my predisposition to acne I suppose. I have literally tried every face wash, cream, toner, and homemade remedy out there to clear up my skin. I'm not going to act like I have the worst acne in the world, but when it's on my face I feel like that's all people can see. I hate going out in public when my face breaks out. I turn into a complete shut-in.
I know it's normal for everyone to have days where they just don't feel their most attractive, or skinniest, but I feel like most days of my life are spent obsessing over my body and how much I dislike it. I constantly have people telling me how skinny, and pretty I am, but these words mean nothing to me. They wont mean anything to me until I can say them to myself and believe them. I am my own worst critic. It sucks that I hurt myself more than other people do though.
I'm really trying to fix my self-confidence issues. It's a constant battle. I feel like I'm arguing with myself all the time. It's like I'm going mad in some ways. The strange thing is, even though I am horrible to myself, I can find the beauty in everyone else around me. I tell people that they are beautiful and unique all the time, but I can't practice what I preach. I just wish that one day I can look in a mirror, and instead of seeing flaws, I can see beauty.
Challenge Yourself: This is a challenge for myself and all of you, find something to love about yourself. Even if it's just one thing, that's a step in the right direction to accepting who we are.
I seem to be having trouble posting blogs regularly. My head has been all over the place. I have been dwelling on my past a lot lately, and I'm pretty sure it's driving me insane. I feel like I can't move forward without some sort of closure. I'm desperately seeking some, I just don't know where to find any. In hopes of getting things off my chest in a new way, I've added a new place on my site. If you look up you'll notice a tab called "Letters". If you click it, you'll find letters written by me to people from my past, present, and future. I don't use actual names in my letters, but if a person ever read one about themself, they should quickly realize it's about them based on the alias I've chosen for them.
I've pretty much always been horrible at saying how I feel in person. I'm an incredibly guarded and emotionally damaged individual. I have perfected the art of faking a smile on the surface. I believe I've also become really good at lying. Not only to others, but to myself. On some level, I know I'm unhappy with the current state my life is in, yet I keep lying to myself, and pretend I'm content. I don't want to hurt the people around me, so I hurt myself instead. I constantly feel like I'm wasting my time on certain people, but I could never tell them that. I kind of wish that my lies would eventually become my reality. Then maybe I could be content with the way things are.
On many levels I disgust myself. I constantly talk about being honest on here, and not settling for less than you deserve, yet that's exactly what I'm doing. I hate the hypocrisy of myself. I don't really know where or how to begin to fix things. I feel like if I was completely honest with myself, and commited to making myself 100% happy, I would without a doubt hurt the people closest to me. I sometimes act like I don't have feelings or emotions, but it's all just a defense mechanism. I'm one of the most internally emotional people around. It would kill me to hurt those around me, just so I could be happy.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads. I know I'm going to have to make a big decision soon, but I just hope I make the right one. I want to be happy again. I want to reconnect with myself. Find what makes me happy, not who makes me happy. I think I've relied on others to make me content and feel validated far too long. I'm ready to dive headfirst into a commited relationship with myself. I think if I can do that, for the first time in my life I'll actually be giving a relationship my all. I just wish there was a way to do this that was painless for everyone. Wish me luck on my crossroads journey.
Question: Can we ever truely be happy with just ourselves? Or do we really need others in our life to find our own happiness?
I've officially realized that I am horrible at getting over people and events. I lie to myself, and say that I'm not going to dwell on things, but eventually I always end up doing the complete opposite of that. I just don't understand how some people can appear to move on from things so quickly and so smoothly. What am I doing wrong?
I think I invest too much of myself into everything I do, and everyone I come to care about. I say that we should love everyone and open our hearts, but everytime I do, I get hurt. I guess the reality of the world we live in is that people don't ever want to invest as much of themselves as you do. This doesn't only happen with people, either. Everytime I get my hopes up about something, it falls apart. Maybe I should just stop getting my hopes up altogether. Anticipate less than I deserve or want, and I'll eventually get pleasantly surprised instead of emotionally devasted.
I'm not trying to sound depressing or anything. Maybe I'm just emotionally damaged, and needed to rant a bit. On the surface everything seems like smooth sailing, but sometimes I get way too far inside my own head and get kind of depressed. It's not even like anything bad is happening to me right now. This just goes back to me dwelling on things from my past. I wish I could take my own advice: move forward, be optimistic, yadda yadda yadda. I'm just in a self-pitty kind of mood tonight apparently. It should pass soon. Until then, I'm going to try and get out of the vortex that is my own mind.
So Question: What's the best method of getting over things that are clearly unhealthy to dwell on?
Have you ever wondered if the person that faces the world each and every day is the real you? I know this sounds absolutely mad, but think about it for a second. Most of us (especially girls) take X amount of time just to get ready before we leave the house. Most of us work for money so we can buy things we want, and think we need. We spend time with the same select few people day after day. I wonder, who are we trying to impress?
If you stripped me down to a bare face, my natural hair, a simple white tee shirt, and stuck me in a white room, I wonder if I would seem half as interesting as I do on a regular basis? They say the clothes make the man. I don't really agree with this statement, however I can see some truth in it. If I was stripped down to the bare essentials, I think my self-confidence would take a direct hit. I don't think I would be nearly as bubbly, goofy, or outspoken as I tend to be. I think it's dumb for me to be that way, but I'm just being honest. I believe the clothes we wear, how we style our hair, what makeup we slather on our faces, who we hang out with, are all just outward projections of who we wish we were on the inside. We dress for how we want to be perceived.
I guess where I'm going with all of this is the fact that I wish I could be more confident in my own skin. I've recently starting wearing far less makeup, and trying to wear my hair naturally as much as possible. That doesn't sound like a whole lot, but I'm taking baby steps to feel confident without all the bells and whistles. I believe we all should start taking steps to feel more confident in our own skin. Looks only get you so far in this world, and material things always have an expiration date.
So I Challenge You to: Remove some of your adornments before facing the world today. Embrace your natural beauty. We're all unique, share what's uniquely you with the world.
So we all say that our families are crazy. Most of us would even throw in some adjectives like annoying, strange, embarrassing, etc. But am I the only person out there that is kind of ashamed of certain people in their family? I'm not talking about my parents or younger sister, but once you start to branch out from there, I seriously wonder how many family members were dropped on their heads as children.
Common sense is not even in most of their vocabulary. I am from the south, so sure, I have a southern accent (which by the way, doesn't measure intelligence at all. It's just a dialect, people). But people like the ones in my family seriously give southerners a bad name. If you are not from the south, and you met half of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and what-not, you would assume everyone from the south is mentally handicapped, racist, close-minded, bible thumping, red-blooded, and idiotic. I can't stand it.
I'm about as liberal as they come, if I started speaking about politics at a family gathering, I would either confuse everyone, and/or get a bible study lecture. It drives me insane. I guess I just wish people could be more open-minded. Maybe I just have a hard time realizing there is a generational gap between me, and most of the family members I'm thinking of when writing this. But what scares me, is the fact that they are raising their children (my first, second, third, ect. cousins) to be just as close minded, redneck, racist, unintelligable, and moronic people as themselves.
I'm all for conserving the past, and holding on to tradition. I mean, I'll probably create many family traditions of my own one of these days, but certain things should not be passed down. Ignorance is at the top of that list. I think in a way, I'm scared for our future, because I know my family can't be the only one like this out there.
I get to see most of these people at a family 4th of July cookout tomorrow. I'm already practicing holding my tongue. It's much harder than it sounds, trust me. Perhaps I'm a terrible person for ranting about my relatives like this. This topic always weighs heavily on my mind around holidays. Just wish me luck on holding my tongue, and holding my ground when necessary. I hope everyone has a nice 4th of July holiday.
So my question for you: What does your family do that drives you absolutely mad?
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.