I've been trying so hard to get myself together, but every attempt I make blows up in my face. With my anxiety, I'm haunted by my past, the present, and an uncertain future. I keep replaying scenes from my life over and over in my mind. I wish I could change so much that has happened over the past few years. I've been living in this hollow shell. I have no idea how to find the marrow of life. I hope it's not lost forever. I just want to be happy again. I can fake it. I can feign happiness like a champ. But each performance leaves me feeling more empty. I wish I could go back in time, and pause the moment before I started my spiraling decent into unhappiness.
I have always had anxiety. It is a part of me. But when I found someone I was truly happy with, I forgot I was ever anxious a day in my life. The only nervousness I felt was the butterflies that would swell in my stomach when someone mentioned their name. I know it is foolish to put your happiness into another a person. That is unfair to them. It's a burden that will eventually grow too heavy. So maybe my actions were ultimately for the best. I'm trying to accept things as they come and not dwell on the future or in the past. I'm trying to be present. I've been looking for a therapist in my area. Maybe a few sessions will help me sort out the jumbled confusion that is my existence. We shall find out soon enough.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.