At some point or another, each and every single one of us is going to have to put our trust in another person's hands. Sometimes we let go of this trust easily, other times it's hard to loosen our grip. No matter how easily (or not so easily) you put your trust in another person, it's a big step. I, for one, have never been a very trusting person. Maybe it's the result of years of "stranger danger" being drilled in my head by my mother. I dont know, I've just never found it easy to fully give someone my trust.
I'm a pretty guarded person, which is one of the reasons I write. I feel kind of anonymous behind a pen or keyboard, which makes it easier for me to express myself. People have always baffled me. Which is a big reason for my mistrust. I truely want to believe that mankind is inherently good, but this gets difficult each time I'm hurt by someone.
I've lost so many friends because they betrayed me after I gave them my trust. Losing a friend can be devastating. Being betrayed by someone you're in a relationship with hurts on a different level though. When you open yourself up to someone, and give them your trust as well as your heart, you expect them to do the same. I was completely betrayed by someone that I trusted with my whole heart.
One of my very first relationships was plagued with lies, deceit, secrets, and another girl. While this boyfriend was cheating on me, my "love" for him made me blind and stupid. I tried to rationalize the stories he told me, and I made excuses for his strange behavior. It was completely unhealthy. Eventually I had to stop lying to myself, and accept the fact that someone, once again, took advantage of my trust.
After this, I drew a line. I would never let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. I put up a wall. I refused to give another person my trust. Yet, here I sit, in a relationship with someone that I want to give all of my trust to. It's honestly one of the hardest things for me to do though. I want to, I really do. It's just, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking about all of the people that have hurt me in the past. No one wants to get hurt again. As much as I care about this person, if they ever truely hurt me, I would be completely devastated. I'm not saying that I believe they will hurt me, I honestly don't think that'll happen. I'm just fighting myself, and my own deeply routed fears and insecurities.
Being cheated on, and/or lied to really makes a person's confidence weak. At least, that's what happened to me. When I was dealing with the lies and betrayal, I started to question my self worth. I would think things like Maybe i'm not pretty enough. Maybe this other girl is skinnier. I must complain too much. Maybe he thinks I'm controlling. I'm not tall enough. I have a weird laugh. I'm too needy. You name it, I thought it. I completely picked myself apart. So not only was I dealing with these feelings of hurt, I was now having to process all of the horrible things I was saying about myself.
It took a long time for me to realize what I was doing to myself. I still have to stop and remind myself that I am worth something, and I don't deserve to be lied to. I think we all battle insecurites like this. At the end of the day though, we honestly just have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. As much as it hurts, we really do learn from our mistakes. I don't think I'll ever be a very trusting person, at least not naturally, but I believe I'm ready to once again put my full trust in another person. It honestly feels like I'm jumping off a bridge, but at the end of the day, all I can do is hope this other person is standing at the bottom ready to catch me.
So I have a question and a challenge for you: Do you find it hard to put your trust in others? My Challenge: Let yourself be vulnerable. If you're on the edge of something, jump with nothing but hope below you.
Hunger: We all feel it at one point or another. Typically it’s in the form of hunger for food. Sometimes it’s hunger for knowledge. It can be hunger for adventure. It can even be hunger for passion. Right now I have this intense hunger for life. I’m alive, but am I really living?
Lately I’ve been feeling kind of stuck in a rut. I’ve been constantly debating in my head what I want out of life. I’m ready to dig myself out of this hole, and see the light again. Maybe I’ve not even seen the light before; maybe I’ve been living in the dark all along. Regardless, I’m ready to feel illuminated. I believe a few changes need to be made so I can really start living.
The first thing that needs to change is my complete lack of “me time.” I think I want to take up meditation. Now I’m not talking about converting to some ancient religion, and spending hours on end reflecting about my day. I just feel like taking 10 minutes each day, to sit in silence, and clear my head would do some good. I think we all get swept up in our day to day lives and forget to take time to actually appreciate this life. I don’t believe 10 minutes to clear my head, is too much to ask for. I’ll keep you posted on how this affects me, if it does at all.
The second thing that needs to change is my lack of self-identity. I mean, I know I’m Lindsey. I’m a student, I’m a daughter, I’m a sister, and I’m a teenager. The thing I’m not so sure of is who I am once all of the surface material is scraped off. The bare bones of me. I want to find all of my passions, and dreams. Once I find them, I don’t want to stop, I want to live them. I have a bit of a head start on my list of dreams and passions. I dream of traveling the world one day. I know I won’t be able to rest until this dream actually becomes a reality. I think travel, and experiencing other people and cultures, can help a person understand themselves. I feel like we lose our sense of self when we allow ourselves to be disconnected from the rest of the world.
I want to connect with people. I want to learn from the experiences of others. I want to make friends in the unlikeliest places. I want friends that influence my life for the better, and hopefully friends that I can affect and enhance the quality of their lives. I want to open myself up to change. I’m ready to change. I know this static person isn’t me. I feel like there is a dynamic and exciting person inside of me that is dying to come out. I think I’m finally at the right point in my life to let her out.
I know there are other things in my life that need to change, but I feel like if these two things change first, I will be that much better for it. I’ve always felt like in order to love another person we have to love ourselves first. But how can we truly love ourselves if we don’t really know who we are? I truly feel like I’m in love with another person, but I feel like I’m letting this person down in a sense because I can’t show them who I really am. I don’t know who I am. I think love is about being vulnerable, and what’s more vulnerable than exposing one’s true self?
A part of me is nervous that once I find and reveal my true identity, this other person won’t love me anymore. Then I have to stop and reassure myself that we are all worthy of love, and if another person can’t accept who we really are, they aren’t worthy of us. I don’t feel like this will happen in my situation, but I think we all need to be reassured that we are worthy of love, respect, and happiness every once in a while. I’m starving, and these changes are part of my attempt to feel full. Full of life.
So my question for you: What are you hungry for? And How are you going to feel full?
We all change. We change our clothes, our favorite colors change, our relationships change. We change. Some of us change for the better, others for the worst. I would love to walk around and pretend like I’ve been the same person since birth, but that’s completely ridiculous. We all need to change, so we can grow as people. If I was the same person now, that I was about five years ago, my writing would be nothing like it is today.
I have opened up on so many levels. I am much more open-minded now. I grew up in a moderately conservative household. I would just agree with whatever my parents would say when it came to politics and social issues. But as I’ve grown, and matured, I can see that my personal opinion of the world is very different from that of my parents. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. I don’t want to be cookie-cutter image of my parents. I am my own person. My personal experiences have shaped me, just as the experiences of my parent’s lives shaped them.
Now my beliefs and view of the world has changed, yes, but my personality has been pretty static my entire life. I was watching home videos with my family last weekend, and I’ve obviously not changed much on the awkward nerd front. I have been running around, spastically trying to be the center of attention my entire life. It’s weird though. In public, I’m completely introverted, but once you get to know me, I’m the farthest thing from it. But I’ve noticed that lately, I’m starting lose my introverted tendencies, even in public. I’m trying really hard to open up to people, and be much friendlier than I typically would. So far, so good. Sometimes it feels nice to smile at a stranger walking past.
As we get older, and change, we start to realize that certain things shouldn’t bother us as much as they do. Also, some of the things that we used to turn a blind eye to can completely upset us now. I still live at home, and I’m starting to notice the lack of freedom my parents give me in certain situations. For the longest time, I was lazy, and I let my parents do everything for me. My laundry, my dishes, they made my dinner; they ran all of my errands, they filled out any paperwork I had to do. Now, I’m trying to do more for myself, and it’s almost as if my parents don’t want to let me grow up. I mean, I know I’m their little girl, but they’ll have to let me live my own life at some point. Stuff like this just makes me ready to move out. Not because I don’t love my parents, I just feel like it’s time for me to really get to know myself. I’m still changing, and I think it would be healthy for me to live on my own, and have a proper introduction to this new Lindsey.
So my question for you: How have you changed over the years? Do you ever find yourself faced with a lack of freedom? If so, how do you deal?
A couple of completely unrelated conversations with some friends got me thinking today. One conversation made it very clear that I was born in the wrong decade. It's becoming quite obvious that I'm a hippie at heart. Now, I'm not running around being the spokesperson for Free Love, at least not in the imagined sense. I do believe we should all love eachother and respect eachother though. Respect came into play during another conversation with a friend. Isn't the Golden Rule: Treat others how you would want to be treated? But why do so many of us break this rule?
When we're with our friends or family one would assume we'd be respectful, or at least try to be. But often, these are the people we disrespect the most. It just kills me when I see people disrespecting others. I mean, if you can't respect other people, how can you have any respect for yourself? So I defintely believe we should all make more of an effort treat others how we would want to be treated. I'm no saint, I can be completely horrible at times, but I believe in Karma, so I try to counteract any bad deeds with good ones. Whether you believe in Karma or not, respect those around you. What harm could that do?
To go along with the randomness of this post, I thought I would talk about something I've recently become interested in, Jazz Music. I'm not talking about Kenny G or something, I mean real 1930s, 1940s Jazz. Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, John Coltrane, and Fats Waller. Something about this kind of music is just so appealing to me. It's completely unpredictable at times, yet it's so easy to listen to. You can just feel the emotion behind every note. I would love to go to an underground jazz club in New Orleans or something and hear some REAL jazz. It would be amazing!
Since this post is kind of all over the place, I don't really know how to close it. So I'm just ask everyone to practice Free Love, and open your heart more than usual to those around you. Treat others how you would like to be treated, and respect yourself as well as those around you. Lastly, I'm not going to ask you to listen to jazz music (but you totally should) I'm going to ask you to listen to a genre of music you would not typically listen to. You never know what you'll find out about yourself. I never knew how much I really loved jazz until I had to listen to it for my English class. So if you typically listen to Metallica, crank up some Kenny Chesney or something.
We live in a world where we can be in touch with anyone we want in a matter of seconds thanks to things like cell phones, and the Internet. But when we connect to people in these ways, are we really connecting? Maybe I'm just an old soul trapped in the wrong time period, but I don't feel very connected to people when we're strictly communicating electronically. I often wish we could revert back the time when people wrote letters to the people they cared about, and rode a horse across multiple states just to be with someone. I'm not just an old soul, apparently I'm a hopeless romantic. Don't tell anyone though, I'll deny it.
I just feel like everyone is so used to getting on Facebook to say hello to an old friend, or shooting their significant other a text to say I love you. Sure, there's nothing wrong with that, but when it becomes common practice, and more traditional forms of communication disappear, it seems like a problem to me. I'm guilty of texting people for hours on end, but when I think about it, it probably would have been easier just to talk to that person on the phone. Things like emotions and context often get lost in electronic translation. How many times have you had to explain a joke or sarcastic comment sent in a text message? I've had to plenty of times.
Why are we so afraid to actually open our mouths and talk to people? Cyber bullying is going on all the time, and I'm sure 90% of the things said online would never be said to someone's face. I kind of feel like technology has turned us all into desensitzed cowards. Don't get me wrong, technology is amazing. When it's not possible to communicate with someone in person, I'm so glad there are things like Skype, and Facebook. But when we have a choice to send someone a text, or call them to plan an icecream date, I'm chosing the icecream date.
A connection to me isn't strictly physical, or emotional. There is no black or white. A touch can send chills up your spine, and a word can instantly bring a smile to your face. Having a real connection with someone requires effort. Effort from both people involved. A text message, or a "poke" on Facebook, doesn't really require much effort in my opinion. So to fix this problem, before I send someone a text message, or write on their Facebook wall, I'm going to stop and seek out possible forms of communication that actually require a little bit of effort. I can be terribly lazy at time, so this is going to be quite a challenge for me. But I think it'll be worth it, I want to feel connected to people in a way that doesn't require an Internet connection.
So my challenge for you: Write someone a letter; call someone on the phone; plan a lunch date; connect with someone on a deeper level than you usually would today.
What is our society's obsession with oversharing? I have nothing against being friendly, and talking to people, but there is a line that too many people cross. When they cross this line, things get awkward and uncomfortable for at least one of you. How many times have you been standing in line at the grocery store, and there is some chatty woman in front of you talking all about her hemmoroids and terrible marriage? Maybe this specific occurance hasn't happened to you, but you know what I mean. People seriously have no tact these days.
Sometimes people don't have to overshare about their own lives, they can just be too friendly. Like if you're in a bathroom stall and notice you're out of toilet paper, so you ask the person beside you for some. That alone can be kind of awkward, but what makes it horrible is when the woman starts talking about what a nice day it is outside. Ma'am, we're in a bathroom, and I'm trying to pee as quickly as possible. I can't concentrate when you're talking about the weather. I'm sure you're lovely outside of a bathroom stall, but right now you're in a bathroom, don't talk to me while you're relieving yourself.
I would never actually say that to someone, but I have wanted to, many times.
Today for example, I was sitting in the library reading a magazine, just minding my own business. There is a little lounge in there with some chairs and couches. I was the only person sitting in the lounge area. Some creepy looking old man sits down right beside me. Awkward enough, right? It gets better. I'm sitting there reading, and he's got his own Feild and Stream Magazine, then out of the blue he whips out some big ass picture of a turkey, and starts showing it to me. He's talking about how creepy the turkey picture is, and all I can think about is how creepy this man is showing me this picture of a turkey. I don't care about your turkey, sir. I mean, if I was looking at some turkey pictures myself, and he noticed I had an interest in turkeys, maybe this situation wouldn't have been so weird. But I don't look like a turkey person. It was so strange.
I'm all for being friendly, and helping others, but I draw the line when it comes to be overly friendly, and oversharing. People really need to think before they speak and act. Maybe these things only bother me, would turkey guy have bothered you?
So my question for you: Does it bother you when people over share? Or when they are overly friendly?
Have you ever noticed how you always end up hurting the ones you love the most? It sounds so cliche, but if you think about it, it's true. Yesterday I spent the day shopping with my mom and sister. I don't know what it was, but we all fought with eachother the entire time. It was insane. Every little thing would set one of us off. The stuff we said to eachother was horrible, too. I couldn't imagine saying some of that stuff to friends, enemies, or even strangers. Then I started thinking later that night. What makes it okay to say horrible things to your family, that you would never say to another person? Honestly, nothing makes it "okay" but I think we all let down our filters when we're talking to the people closest to us.
Doesn't it seem like you get into the worst fights with your family, your bestfriends, and your boyfriend/girlfriend? You fight with the people you're supposed to love way more frequently than you fight with the people you don't really care about. It seems so backwards. I think we do this because in the back of our minds, we know these people are still going to love us, even if we're horrible to them. For example, when you're fighting with your mom, you know that she's supposed to love you no matter what. Therefore you feel like you can fly off the handle without as many repercussions as you would have if you say, got into a fight with your boss at work.
Even though these people are expected to be there for us, no matter what, our words still hurt them. In fact, when I fight with my mom or sister, the things they say hurt far worse than anything a stranger could say to me. Even if a stranger said the exact same thing my sister did, it would hurt more to hear it coming from my sister. I just feel like we should all be more cautious when we're fighting. I know this can seem impossible in the heat of the moment. I know when I'm angry the last thing I'm worried about is hurting someone's feelings. I mean, in a sick way, you want the things you're saying in a fight to hurt the other person.
I would instantly start a fight with someone if they ever spoke to my mother like I speak to her. So why do I still say terrible things to her? Habit? If it's just a habit, it's way worse than biting fingernails, and drinking milk out of the carton could ever be. So my goal is stop hurting the people I love the most. I'm really going to try and watch what I say. If I wouldn't say it to a stranger, I'm going to try and stop saying it to the people I care about most. None of us are perfect, so we'll all screw up at some point. But I think the effort will be worth the reward. The reward being that you can show these people how much you love them, by actually treating them like you love them!
So my goal for you is to: Fight fair when you're fighting with the people you care about most.
Just a side note, I've been really busy this weekend, so that's why I'm just now updating my blog. To make up for my missed blogs I've added a new poem called "The Chosen One" so check that out. Also, I would like to thank my friend Kyle for helping me decide what to blog about today =)
As I was leaving class today, I noticed a large group of people standing around and talking amongst themselves. I also noticed cars stopped in the middle of the parking lot. What in the world has happened? Then I looked at the road. I noticed ambulances, fire trucks, police cars, and two pretty smashed up cars. There had been a wreck directly in front of the campus. I immediately looked, and tried to see if anyone was hurt. The wreck didn't look too bad. As I was walking past this large crowd of people I could hear them talking about the wreck. Apparently some of them saw it happen. I just kept walking, and glancing over at the road. Then I stoppped dead in my tracks. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with us? Why are we watching this whole scene play out? Have we really become this desensitized to violence?
Think about it. When you're on the highway and notice a wreck, you immediately gawk and try to figure out what happened. Concern for the people in the accident is usually secondary. We are bombarded my images of violence each and every day. The News almost glamorizes things like war and devastation. Real tragedy isn't viewed as something negative, it's entertainment for most of us. Whenever there is a major disater in the world, people immediately start thinking of ways to profit from it. Just take a second to think about how many movies and tv shows are about war and natural disasters.
We even buy toys for our children that promote violence. I'm not saying I'm against buying a little boy a G.I. Joe, but I do think children should be better educated about what they're playing with. Many of us played games like War when we were little. You "shot" your friend, they fell down, and died dramatically. Once the game was over, they got up and all was well. Children don't stop to think about the fact that in a real war, when people get shot and fall down, they don't get back up. Adults do the same thing though.
We hear the daily death toll each day on the news. We notice the number, but do we actually stop to think about the lives? Those soldiers are more than just a number, they are someone's son, daughter, wife, husband, brother, sister, friend. They are people. People risking their lives each day, while we sit at home and watch television. We are entertained by this violence on TV, while they are living it.
I'm not a propoent of war or violence. It honestly sickens me. People's lack of concern and sensitivity sickens me more though. I think we should all stop and think about the reality of what's going on around us. The world, unfortunately, is a violent place. This fact wont change unless we all wake up and actually start caring about one another.
So my challenge to you: Today, when you're bombarded by the next wave of violence, actually stop and think about what you're watching.
Masks. We all wear one. You can't deny it. Every morning we put on a mask, and then face the world. These masks help get us into character for the roles we play throughout the day. Every day we play a part, student, daughter, son, teacher, brother, sister, friend, co-worker, ect. We are taught early on how to act and react in different situations. You sit still in church; you answer questions politely in school; you never curse around your parents; always wear pants in public; laugh the most with your friends. When someone acts differently than the "norm" they get looked at funny, or even made fun of. Have you ever stopped to wonder though, are these people really acting strange, or are they just taking off their mask?
Why are so many of us afraid to let others see what's underneath? We all wear pretty similar masks, so why shouldn't we assume that what's underneath isn't bizzare or wrong? I believe if we all took off our masks, we would quickly discover how similar we all are. We're all flesh and blood. We each have a heart. A soul. A dream. We're human. So why must we wear these plastic masks in hopes of concealing what we really are? Conformity is a dangerous thing. It can bring out the worst in people.
I am guilty of weearing a mask each day. I don't act the same way when I'm at school as I do when I'm with my friends. I act completely different when I'm alone compared to how I act with my family. I'm not really proud of this fact though. I wish I could take my mask off once and for all, and be brave enough to bare myself to the world. I don't know if my mask will ever be completely off, but I'm starting to strip my mask of it's glitter, sequins, and feathers. I want to make as much of my true self visible, as I can. I'm not ashamed of who I am, but I hate the idea of being vulnerable.
We use our masks like security blankets. If no one can see the real us, no one can really hurt us. I'm not saying we should all throw caution to the wind, and start acting insane while at funerals and what not. I just think we should allow ourselves to be more vulnerable. Pluck a few feathers from your own mask. Allow yourself to be exposed, even if it's only for a moment. We shouldn't hide who are. We should embrace the beautiful flaws we all have lurking beneath our mask. There is beauty in being vulnerable, if you allow yourself to embrace this beauty, others will embrace it too.
So, I don't have a question today, I have a challenge: Let yourself be vulnerable at least once today. Share a secret with someone, don't wear a face full of makeup, don't feel insecure. Just be you.
Well I'm about to enter a very interesting phase in my life. The love of my life is about to move to London. We are already in a long distance relationship, and now we're going to be in the middle of an international love affair. It should be very interesting. I know we're both worried about the impact this will have on our relationship. Honestly, I believe that if two people are meant to be together, they will be. Life can throw anything at love, and if it's real, it'll hold. I'm attempting to brain storm ways to deal with the time difference and the distance itself. I'm trying not to worry about things.
The irony of things is, all day, everything on TV and the internet, and even the radio has had to do with London. I was watching the local news and someone from London was a guest star. I was listening to Mumford & Sons (my favorite band) not only are they from London, one of the songs was about London being littered with lonely hearts (not helping! haha) Everything is related to London! There have been more instances, but I wont bore you with them. It's crazy.
I never thought I'd be in a long distance relationship, but I am. The distance is getting bigger, but the love that brought us together still remains. I know it'll be hard, but I really believe he is worth any and all hardships. He's my bestfriend.
So my question of the day: Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? If so, what did/do you do to make it work?
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.