 Sometimes I find myself insanely depressed for no apparent reason. I hate it (I'm sure no one loves depression, though). I just really hate it because it seems like I have a lot going for me; at least on the surface. I have great friends, and a great family. I'm healthy and well educated. I just feel disconnected sometimes. From those around me and myself.
I don't think I'm bipolar or suffering from some bizarre mental illness, but I can't put my finger on what makes me feel so melancholy. I never feel like I fully fit in anywhere I'm at. Not many people get me or my sense of humor. Not even my family. (I'm excluding my sister, because I swear she's the only person who knows me. In fact, I think she knows me better than I know myself.) But overall, there's a strange void between me and everyone else. Even with my best friends, there's still this unspoken disconnection. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels it, but it's certainly there, regardless. I feel so separated from the place I live in. I've just never been comfortable here. I mean, North Carolina is beautiful, but it has just never felt like home. I wish I knew where my true home was. They say home is where the heart is, but I really have no clue to where or to whom my heart belongs. When I get into these bouts of depression, my judgement becomes flawed. I become so disinterested in everything. My goals become hazy and I feel like I'm just existing. It's like I'm a ghost inside my own body. It's a chilling feeling. These traits are just so far removed from my typical personality. I've been so overwhelmed with looking for a new car, trying to get college applications together, maintaining the house for my family, looking for a job, and the list goes on. I guess sometimes when things get so crazy and intense, I just mentally remove myself from them. When this happens though, almost immediately the depression follows. And to top it all off, insomnia is also a side effect. So I'm not only sad and overwhelmed, I'm functioning on very little sleep. In those hours when I'm laying in my bed, in the dark, everything seems so desolate. Those are the times when I feel the most alone. It's like the rest of the world is sleeping peacefully or going on about their day, and there I am. Unmoving, unproductive, unhappy. At least when you sleep, you can escape the stresses of your day, no matter how awful it was. But when you can't sleep, you're forced to confront everything that is bothering you. All of the little things are projected onto your eyelids and you're forced to watch your misery replay over and over again. I just feel like I need an escape. Or a shovel so I dig myself out of this miserable hole. I don't know how much longer I can function like this. I wish I could just pack a bag tonight and hop on a plane or train. I just want to get out of here, and out of my own head for a while. I want to find someplace that feels like home. Who knows, maybe my home is the road itself? I've always been really terrible at sticking with things for any extended period of time; maybe my hometown is well past it's expiration date. Sorry for such a depressing post today, I just needed to vent. Hopefully you're doing better than I am right now.  Being honest is tough for most people. There are some aspects of ourselves that we wish could stay hidden. No one is perfect; and that desire to preserve some anonymity in this very public world is understandable. Sadly, some people take this to an extreme.
I'm pretty sure most of us have watched or heard of the documentary "Catfish" or have seen the MTV spin-off show it inspired. It's about people pretending to be someone or something they're not online. These lies are often created in the hope of making someone fall in love with this fake persona. It's shocking how many people this has happened to and is happening to right now. I've never been able to admit this before, and only one other person knows this, but I was Catfished by someone. This wasn't a recent occurrence, however, it has affected almost every aspect of my life for years. A online friendship turned into this enormous web of emotions and lies. I ended up falling for a fake person, hook, line and sinker. When I found out that I was being lied to for so long, I didn't even know what to do with myself. When this happens to you, you feel so many emotions all at once. There's the initial shock, but the aftershock is what really gets to you. You end up feeling embarrassed, ashamed, used, violated and worthless. Someone you don't know at all, broke into the most sacred aspect of your being. A complete stranger made their way into your heart and corrupted it with their vile lies. Those lies are like a virus that starts out small, but ends up attacking all the healthy cells in your body. These lies drain you, and even after the liar has left your life, they're still in your body. You constantly feel like at any moment, they could return; and you could once again be infected. This fear consumes you. Even if you try to move on, the paranoia still lingers. After my Catfish ordeal, my entire life changed. Even though the liar was gone for good, there was this disgusting residue of them that permeated into every pore of my body. My real relationships were greatly affected, and not for the good. Looking back now, I can see that. I ruined the only real shot at love I ever had, because I was afraid to get close to someone. I was scared that if I opened myself up to another person, it would once again blow up in my face, and I would be hurt again. I broke up with the only person I've ever actually loved because I was scared that they'd end up hurting me. The reason I gave them for breaking up was "I need to find myself." That wasn't really a lie, because I did feel lost. I felt trapped inside my own body. But the main reason for this breakup was fear. I'd rather be alone and miserable, than give myself completely to someone and end up broken again. When I ended this relationship, I feel like I was right on the cusp of falling completely, headlong, no turning back in love. I mean I already loved that person, but I was almost to the point of giving myself completely to them. Offering up every ounce me that I had guarded. When I realized that I was about to fall, I panicked. That virus of hurt and distrust made it's way into my heart. So instead of making myself completely vulnerable, I shut down. And closed the chapter of my life that could have turned into the most perfect of novels. Since then, I've stumbled through broken and meaningless relationships. I guess I was trying to fill the void I created when I let go of the person who had been holding me together. But I'm done with that now. I'm tired of letting someone who I never even knew, ruin what should be the best times of my life. I'm going to step into the fire, and burn every remnant of this virus from my body. Then I will emerge from these ashes, stronger than I ever was before. I may never find someone who I loved as much as the person I let go, but I think I'm okay with that. I at least got to experience real love for a short time. If there's anything good that could come from this, I hope it's that I can help at least one person, somewhere. If you've been Catfished, you're not alone. And if you are a Catfish, maybe reading this will open your eyes. Sure, lying to someone online is going to hurt that person; but ultimately, you're hurting yourself the most. If you can make someone fall for a fake person, that you've created, why wouldn't someone fall for the real you? You deserve someone who will love you for you, not the gorgeous model you're pretending to be online. We're all worthy of something real and honest. Don't fall into this web of lies, because eventually, you're going to get stuck with no way out. If you care about someone, let them know, and let it come from the real you. Life is too short for lies. Be yourself, and know that YOU are enough.  I believe in soul mates. And I believe that two souls could be destined to dance infinity through time and space together. I believe our souls are made up of fragments of energy that have existed since the beginning of the universes. Pieces of my soul, and pieces of your soul, have belonged to an infinite number of people, places, and things. That's why we have an affinity for certain objects and locations; even if we've never been there or held that object. I believe the same goes for people.
What if a piece of my soul was once connected to a piece of yours? Would these pieces not be drawn to one another? I would think so. Maybe the whole purpose of life is to rebuild the original soul of the universe. Like we're all pieces of a giant Rubik cube, shifting, flipping, turning, twisting, trying to come back together the way were intended to. Maybe there is a God. Or was. Maybe God was this original soul, that broke up into infinite pieces, so that we could Exist. Create. Feel. Love. And ultimately come back together. Stronger than before, because we knew what it was like to be scattered and in disarray. We all carry a piece of God in us. Our job is to protect it and connect it with as many others as we possibly can during our brief existence. Today, we're so self-centered. I believe we need to be soul-centered. That's why I want to travel; I want to connect with as many people and places as I possibly can. I believe this will strengthen my soul. That's also the main reason I write, and have this blog. I want to reach people. Bond with people even if I'm not physically with them. I want to strengthen the souls of as many people as I possibly can. I believe that's my calling in life. I think it's really all of our callings; sadly too many people ignore it. So my challenge to you is: answer your true calling. Connect with people. Connect with yourself and tune into your soul.  Sitting here, after a night of restless sleep, covered in crumbs from the fifty Oreos I just scarfed down, I realized something. I'm tired of dwelling on my past. I'm tired of making myself a prisoner in my own mind. Instead of moving on with my life, making new memories, and enjoying this brief flash that is life, I've been dwindling into oblivion.
Sure, sometimes it's good to reflect on the past. I mean, the past is what brought us to where we are at this very moment. It has shaped and molded our every thought and action. The past is a part of us. However, it's not all of us. We are not our pasts. We are the present. We are the now. Do you like where you are in this moment? Can you accept who you are in this very instance? If not, change it. That first minute in which you began reading this, is now the past. Why do we complain about our pasts and our situations instead of doing something to change them? I don't want to live a complacent life anymore. Instead of dwelling on lost love and missed opportunities, I want to focus on finding new love and creating new opportunities. These things wont come to us; we must actively seek the things we want in our lives. Furthermore, we need to seek the things that we honestly need in our lives at this moment. I might want to win back a lost love, but maybe that's not what I need right now. I'm at a crucial, transitioning moment in my life's timeline. I don't have a lot right now. In fact, I pretty much have a blank slate. I wrecked my brand new car, cut ties with people who were dragging me down, finished earning my associates degree, and I don't have a job. I really don't have anything to my name at the moment, except for my name alone. But I see some beauty in this emptiness. There's infinite possibility in this nothingness. Today, I have the chance to find a new car; and while I don't have one, I can appreciate what it means to have the freedom that a vehicle provides. I'm completely single, and I only have relationships with my true friends. Not the people you occasionally say hi to, the people who would lay their lives down for me. I have my associates degree now, and I know that I want to further my education. Not taking any classes this semester has shown me how deep my passion for knowledge is. I would complain endlessly about going to class, but now that I can't go, I miss it. So I'm applying to a bunch of universities and planning on working for my bachelors degree in the fall. Being 21, and unemployed makes me feel pretty worthless. I want to prove to my family and myself that I am independent. I want to start earning my own money, and being responsible for more things. In this moment, I have nothing. But in this moment, I'm also working towards everything. I'm laying the foundation for my future. It's like standing on the edge of a giant canyon, and the only move you can make is forward. Forward will feel like falling, but on the decent, you have time to build a safety net. Something to land on when you've finished the fall. I'm trying to build one of those cartoon-ish springs that will propel me up and over the canon altogether as soon as I land on it. I don't want to take this leap and land on my ass. I'm ready to start my life. My new life. The life I have always dreamed of. Full of adventure, new people, new places, new ideas, and a new me. We can't skip over all the muck that exists in the present and land in the future. But we can wipe off the sediment and rot of our pasts. We don't need more things weighing us down in this moment. This moment is your life. Make it worth living.  I had always thought I was a pretty staunch believer in Karma. If you put good out into the universe, good will come back to you. Events that have transpired lately really make me question my belief in Karma and a slew of other things. At the rate my life has been going lately, I'm starting to think it's true that nice guys (and girls) finish last.
Think about it. It's not the drug dealer struggling to make a living, it's the working mom trying to feed her kids. The student with rich parents, who coasts through life because they have money to fall back on, isn't worried about finding their way into college. The student from a low income family, who works hard in school, is the one who can't afford the university of their dreams. The CEO, who lied and stole his way into wealth, is sleeping fine at night. The honest, ambitious intern is the person struggling to pay their rent. Why does it seem like those who deserve the world bear the weight of it? I've always heard that you'll never be given challenges you're not strong enough to bear; and the cliche "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But sometimes it's tough not to feel like you're dying on the inside. There's always a great rags to riches story out there. What happens to those who work tirelessly to escape those rags but still end up being buried in them? What separates the winners from the losers? Are some people destined to suffer with no reward at all? I know many people will interject with "the reward comes in the afterlife." If the afterlife is so fantastic, why do we have an earthly life at all? Sometimes it would be nice for our good deeds to simply seem acknowledged, not even rewarded. The daily onslaught of merciless blows to our wallets, bodies, heads and hearts are sometimes too much to handle. I guess what I'm searching for is a release. Furthermore, it would be great if this release didn't have to come in the form of death. I don't want to believe that we are all simply pawns in this cosmic game between good and evil. My goal is not to become a King or Queen in that game; I just wish the pawns weren't sacrificed so easily. I believe the hardworkers, the honest individuals, the dreamers and so-on deserve a chance at some glory. Glory that wasn't inherited or the result of a lucky break. Simply, glory that was earned. |
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Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.
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