Are there some things about yourself that you absolutely cannot stand? I don't really like using the word "hate", but sometimes I have days where I hate myself. I'm a very critical person, and I'm extremely self-conscious. I can usually hide these things pretty well, but they are almost constantly eating away at me on the inside. I sometimes catch myself staring at a mirror and hating the face and body reflected back at me. I know I shouldn't do this, but it's like I can't help it at times.
I'm always incredibly worried about my weight. I've grown up in a family that is pretty much 99% obese. I've constantly heard family members complaining about their weights, discussing the latest diets they are on, and watching them count their calories. I look at these people, and I'm terrified that one day I will become exactly like them: overweight and unhappy. I'm already halfway there, so what's going to stop me from grabbing a bag of Doritos and going all the way?
Freshman year of High School I believe I was boarderline anorexic. I restricted the amount of food I ate to crazy extremes. I wouldn't eat lunch at school, and my friends even started worrying about me. They would constantly try to get me to eat. It drove me crazy, I wanted to just fade into the background while I watched my waist wither away. Even though I hated the fact that they were nagging me about eating, today I look back on it and I'm thankful that I have such caring friends. They eventually got me to start eating (Even though for a while I was just doing it to get them to shut up).
Like I've mentioned before, I have a tendency to dwell on things. I even like to dwell on stuff like my love handles and leg fat. I still catch myself going on exercise benders, I restrict what I eat at times, and sometimes I binge on food. I even go on these kicks where I won't let myself indulge on anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate all of these things about myself. I hate the fact that I can't accept my body.
The sad part is, I don't only obsess over my weight. I am extremely self-conscious about my skin. I can thank my genetics for my predisposition to acne I suppose. I have literally tried every face wash, cream, toner, and homemade remedy out there to clear up my skin. I'm not going to act like I have the worst acne in the world, but when it's on my face I feel like that's all people can see. I hate going out in public when my face breaks out. I turn into a complete shut-in.
I know it's normal for everyone to have days where they just don't feel their most attractive, or skinniest, but I feel like most days of my life are spent obsessing over my body and how much I dislike it. I constantly have people telling me how skinny, and pretty I am, but these words mean nothing to me. They wont mean anything to me until I can say them to myself and believe them. I am my own worst critic. It sucks that I hurt myself more than other people do though.
I'm really trying to fix my self-confidence issues. It's a constant battle. I feel like I'm arguing with myself all the time. It's like I'm going mad in some ways. The strange thing is, even though I am horrible to myself, I can find the beauty in everyone else around me. I tell people that they are beautiful and unique all the time, but I can't practice what I preach. I just wish that one day I can look in a mirror, and instead of seeing flaws, I can see beauty.
Challenge Yourself: This is a challenge for myself and all of you, find something to love about yourself. Even if it's just one thing, that's a step in the right direction to accepting who we are.
Lindsey. Twenty-Five. Currently pursuing a degree in Professional Writing & Film Studies.